PARENTAL GLEANINGS

What helps me be a better parent?

2012-01-15T07:09:00.000-08:00

Good morning from Beautiful Planet Earth.

A habit I'm cultivating is pausing when I wake and before falling asleep to think about my day. What went well, what didn't, what things am I able to change, what is my work, what is another's (my child's) work and therefore not my business? What am I grateful for?

Year end is when I take a longer pause to reflect and imagine how I'll approach the coming days. I use the questions below to both set personal and parenting growth goals (thank you, Becky Klett). I write my responses. These questions can be used today! In just ten minutes, I found clarity and connection.

Before responding from a parenting perspective, here is an excerpt from Brené Brown's book, I Thought It Was Just Me (But it Isn't), to set the tone:

"'Cheryl, a good friend and colleague, told me her parenting goals are to be "fun, strong, kind, knowledgeable, patient, and loving.' She specifically said that these were her goals and she knew it was unrealistic to be all these things at the same time.

When I asked what she did to meet these goals, she very confidently started listing simple, measurable (they happen or they don't), tangible objectives. She said, 'I get sleep--I'm a better parent when I'm well rested. Even though it's difficult, I keep my sons on schedules so they feel good. I read a lot of parenting books--when they're good I use the advice, when they aren't, I don't. When I see another parent doing something well, I ask him or her about it. My husband and I go to parenting workshops. I stay connected with my mothers' group. I changed pediatricians several times until I found one who shares my values and gives me guidance I want and need. I set boundaries with my work. When someone criticizes my parenting, I have a support system of friends to talk about it. I try to practice self-care by taking the time I need to replenish my own well. When my well is dry, I don't have anything else to give anyone.'"

QUESTIONS

What were your triumphs this past year?

What were your challenging moments?

How will you nourish yourself in the coming year?
A good example is where Cheryl writes above, "I'll get sleep--I'm a better parent when I'm rested."

What are your intentions?

(I think of intentions as seeds I plant to guide me in the way I respond to life's experiences, others, my child.)

Make a list of words that crystalize your intentions. Choose one word or phrase to guide your days.

(For example, accepting, adventurous, loving, patient, open. Perhaps I want to let go, say yes more, say no when I feel no, listen, be courageous, attentive.)

Grumpy angels and lost halos

2011-12-05T05:26:00.001-08:00

Image: "An angel lost her halo." Kate, 4 years young. About 2004. Dublin Montessori Academy

I remember when Kate drew this angel as if it was yesterday. She drew it and said, "Sometimes angels get grumpy."

That comment told me how valuable circle time is in the classroom. That's where we teach group lessons, but also share and give names to feelings like "grumpy." We also practice relating strategies, like giving compliments and saying gratitudes.

A week before Thanksgiving I started writing my gratitudes as a daily practice.

It started when someone sent me their gratitudes. A text. Then the message ended with, "What are you grateful for?" So I wrote and sent mine out to a handful of friends who started writing theirs and sending them to friends!

The idea is to practice living from what is working, what is positive and calling attention to it as a way to live this day. Often in parenting, it is easy to "help" our child (another) by calling attention to what needs to be better, corrected, or what's wrong. How important is our outlook on life and attitude towards ourselves? The Mayo Clinic writes that positive thinking helps with stress management and can improve health.

I've learned that children come forth when I focus on what works, what is good, what is appreciated. Spending a little time each day saying gratitudes aloud to my child is an easy tool to add to the parenting basket.

I started reading Mattie Stepanek's book, Reflections of a Peacemaker, at the time I began writing gratitudes. If you're interested in seeing into your child's heart and mind, I recommend reading Mattie's book. I've spent a lot of time listening to young children. Your children are very much like Mattie in a spirit of loving and living.

Today I am grateful for:

Snow! Out the window.

I'm grateful for a graceful bending stem of white orchid faces looking upon me as I awaken--their slightly cocked faces seem to smile.

I'm grateful for young children and their innate ability to be present.

I'm grateful I wrote down what kids said in the preschool classroom so that I can remember and enjoy their insights again.

I'm grateful for gratitude email exchanges with friends that are remindful of the open heart in everything at anytime.

I'm grateful for this gratitude tool when I'm feeling uncertain to help change my perspective.

I'm grateful for a hairbrush last night and a big laugh with Terry before it.

I'm grateful I have hair to brush.

I'm grateful for Jan's yoga class and her gentle voice and comment that this might be a homemade soup day.

I'm grateful for fresh kale to put in my vegetable soup.

I'm grateful for late afternoon walks with my husband.

I'm grateful for the soar of a Cooper's Hawk.

I'm grateful for shredded beets on my salad.

I'm grateful for all types of shadows (reflections) and their metaphoric reminder that every person holds a mirror of teaching to me.

I'm grateful for cleaned out files in preparation for tax preparation.

I'm grateful I remembered my cell phone when I headed out yesterday so I could answer a call.

I'm grateful for kittycat Nesta's antics as she plops herself on top of papers I'm sorting and causes a pause and connection to my breath as I notice her slow blink.

What are you grateful for today?

Moms--I imagine your child writing Mattie Stepanek's poem to you

2011-12-03T05:56:00.001-08:00

Image: Amy and son, Liam.

I am reading Reflections of a Peacemaker: A Portrait Through Heart Songs written by Mattie Stepanek. When I read one of his poems today, I thought about my daughter-in-law, Amy. I imagine any of Amy's six children feeling the sentiment of Mattie's poem for her.

This poem also reminds me of working with young students as they made holiday gifts for their parents.

Each year the children made the same gift. Let me explain. The gift object supported a lesson about giving from the heart. The children decorated taper candles with colorful wax after we showed how the candle is given and used. The circle demonstration happened with lights out. With Sue Metzger, my team teacher at Dublin Montessori Academy, we showed how we could symbolically give all of our love to a special person and still have all of our love to give. Their eyes lit up when I lit Sue's candle from my already lit candle saying, "I give all my love to Mrs. Metzger and look, I still have all of my love to give." I recall a child spontaneously responding, "I didn't know that I have so much love inside of me!"

As part of the gift, the children would think of and write things they appreciate or love about their mom and dad. I blogged about this a couple years ago--read more about the "Love Candle Ritual" here.

This ritual is also a helpful activity to do when a new sibling is born. It helps siblings who might feel "dethroned" understand that even though a new brother or sister has arrived, Mom and Dad have enough love for everyone.

Here is the excerpt from Mattie's poem:

About My Mommy

To me, my mommy is very special.

I love her and trust her with all of my heart...

She [teaches] me

How to be peaceful and live in harmony.

How to be kind and generous,

And to think of others before myself.

How to think and start out positive,

And to meditate, because fighting

Is no way to figure things out.

She has been teaching me life lessons

For as long as I can remember...

I love you, Mommy...

"Dethroning is a term used by Kathryn Kvols in her book, Redirecting Children's Behavior.

Coming soon: a hopeful world parenting book (thank you Brené Brown)

2011-11-19T09:47:00.001-08:00

Image: The rising golden sun on our sunflowers. Photographer, Terry Barrett

I've been away from my blog. There is a reason.

In September I listened to Brené Brown's TED talk. Her work is about fear and shame (excruciating vulnerability). Inspired, I found her on FaceBook, started reading her blog, and from there learned of an online class she teaches. It's called Ordinary Courage: Lessons on Love, Shame, and Worthiness.

At first I thought, do I want to read about shame? I related to Brown's opening line in her book about when people hear the word shame and the two general responses: "I'm not sure what you mean by shame, but I know I don't want to talk about it." However, this sealed it for me--"If we can find the courage to talk about shame and the compassion to listen, we can change the way we live, love, parent, work, and build relationships." I sure care about that. So I enrolled in her class.

Since my last post, I've read two of her books, watched her DVD, and been part of daily messages and weekly lessons. Today is the last day of the course.

So I just listened to her final lesson and headed here when one question captured my attention. Someone asked if we pass our shame on to our children. As part of the reply, Brown said, "We can't give our kids what we don't have." The best way we can parent and help our children is to face our own lives. I love that.

I've taught Redirecting Children's Behavior for a decade now. I still remember the first time a parent said at the end of the class, "Oh, I get it. This is really about redirecting or changing my behavior." Yes. As I read Brown's book (The Gifts of Imperfection), I kept thinking this is my new favorite to recommend to parents. It's a real guide to help me change myself so I can be a better parent and grandparent.

Now, this is what I want to tell you! Brene is writing a parenting book. In a blog post, she asked readers to respond to this question, "A helpful parenting book is...". She followed that post with another offering insight into how how she will write about parenting:

I'm not a parenting expert, I don't want to be one, and I'm not sure that I even believe in the idea of 'parenting experts.'

I'm a researcher and a parent. A mapmaker and a traveler.

As a mapmaker, I've spent a decade studying the paths to wholeheartedness and I've developed a strong understanding of how families forge these paths and stay on them. The map was drawn based on the stories and experiences of thousands of people who walked down different trails that were all heading in the same direction. There wasn't one model, one expert, or one way.

I can't wait until it's published.

Until then, do you have children 10 years or older? If yes, I highly recommend doing this: together, watch her TED talk. Buy her book The Gifts of Imperfection and read it together. If your children are younger than 10 years or you don't have children, watch and read it yourself. I bet, like me, you'll head to the internet to sign up for her course.

Wangari Maathai says, "Be like the hummingbird."

2011-09-26T08:29:00.000-07:00

Wangari Maathai, one of my heroines, died yesterday from cancer. Here is a clip from the film, Dirt. She tells a story about the feeling of being bombarded by problems.

The story is about this forest being consumed by a huge fire. All the animals come up and are transfixed as they see the forest burn. They feel overwhelmed and paralyzed. They say they are powerless. All except for the hummingbird who says, "I will do something about the fire."

As fast as it can the hummingbird drops water on the fire. Slurp by slurp, drip after drip. The animals say, "What are you doing? Your wings are too small, your beak is too little. What good is that? How will you ever be able to put out that fire?"

The hummingbird keeps going without wasting time and says, "I am doing the best I can."

Wangari says, "And that to me is what all of us can do. I want to be like the hummingbird! I will do the best I can."

What a best she did (2004 Nobel Peace Prize Laureate). She invites us to be like the hummingbird--our best makes a difference.

Be there (truly present) for your child

2011-09-22T08:49:00.000-07:00

I am so amazed at times that I am actually alive. -Andy Goldsworthy

On Monday I talked to a friend who was excited about heading out on vacation with her husband. Later that night her husband died unexpectedly.

Hearing about this unexpected passing reminds me of the importance of being present in my life. To really be awake.

I thought about the greatest gift I can give the person I love: my true presence.

This video shared by friend Ron Yrabedra reminds me of the fragility and beauty of life.

Stories and people (like Brandon) can change lives

2011-09-06T15:18:00.000-07:00

The Making Of Morris: Part 1 (The Power of Story) from Moonbot Studios on Vimeo.

"Walking slowly inside he discovered the most mysterious and inviting room he had ever seen. It was filled with the fluttering of countless pages..."

One of the joys of FaceBook is reconnecting and seeing what friends are doing with their lives--and then, enjoying a mile-wide smile when someone like Brandon Oldenburg appears out of nowhere!

I met Brandon and his classmate Ryan Sias when they were students at the Ringling School of Art. They had been recommended by one of their teachers as "talented and innovative. Really nice kids, too." I was a museum educator at The John and Mable Ringling Museum of Art in education.

An integral aspect of our museum education philosophy was collaborative teamwork. Basically, community people became (unpaid) museum staff. This is more than a one line idea and born out of time similar to today when jobs were cut, budgets slashed. But that will need to wait for another post. Basically, our museum staff teamed with schools--their teachers and students to create education experiences. This unusual empowerment of students happened because David Ebitz, then director of the Museum and a former museum educator at the Getty Museum, knew its potential. The seed of teaming with schools was planted earlier by Nancy Roucher, a champion of the arts in our community, and co-leader of the Sarasota Art Institute--a consortium of learning experiences that eventually grew to 11 teacher training programs. That is also another story to tell.

My relationship with Brandon and Ryan began by listening to their interests and curiosities. This listening, which cannot be overemphasized, ignited conversations about what we together cared about. We had a "learn as you go" attitude. We decided to stay together and build on what we learned.

What did Brandon and Ryan create while students creating Ringling Museum programming? I can hardly sum it up in a paragraph so if you want more information click here and scroll to pages 204-205. Briefly, they created a life-size puppet show with live music telling a story of the history of art. It was called the Concert of the Arts.

Ryan Sias has a youtube channel of his current work. The Concert of the Arts is archived here.

"Remarkable, hilarious, and startling comprehensive," attendees exclaimed! Brandon, Ryan, and a slew of their friends performed for elementary students from Sarasota and Bradenton, and also for about 21 Florida museum directors and education representatives attending a conference we'd organized to show new ideas about collaboration. Their next project was a Friendship Room, the Ringling Museum's first gallery education space installed in conjunction with Four Friends, the work of Eric Fischl, April Gornik, Ralph Gibson, and curator Bruce Ferguson. The success of this project, filmed by The Getty Education Institute became a door opener for about 20 more gallery education installations.

Brandon is in the eye-opening business. Couple his raging creativity with collaborative skills, and voila. Fast forward to today: watch the two minute video clip above, one in a series of nine, and gain a glimmer of the gifts these creators present to our children: Moonbot Studios and The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore, a short film and now iPad book for children.

Oh, and it's not just any iPad children's book. It's won 22 awards. The New York Times review says it "is the best iPad book out there." Oh yes.

Brandon worked with noted author/illustrator William Joyce to create Morris Lessmore first as an award-winning short film (described as a "love letter to books and curative power of story.") Inspired in equal measures by Hurricane Katrina, Buster Keaton, The Wizard of Oz, it's about people who devote their lives to books.

So, want a treat? Go to the iTunes APP Store and download this on your iPad ($4.99). Parents' and grandparents' eyes will open to the expanded wonder of (i)books. And children will know just what to do to make Mr. Morris' books fly as they listen and read along with the story.

Part 3: The Process of Helping Fighting Children

2011-09-02T05:27:00.000-07:00

Image: Natalie, 4 years young, Happy eagle with bow, Dublin Montessori Academy

PART THREE – THE PROCESS OF HELPING FIGHTING CHILDREN

Now it's time to take action.

Here is a way to think about kids who are fighting: aim to treat the children the same or put them in the same boat.

Adults usually don't know who really starts a fight. They usually see the end and take a side. In the example I presented a couple days ago, it makes sense that the young girl is upset when she is singled out for punishment. A more effective response is to get both children of this fight thoughtfully involved in processing the experience and finding solutions to their differences. Here are a few ways to do this:

CALM EMOTIONS

Send them (separately) to a peace table or place where they can calm their emotions. This is extremely important. Children cannot make sense of or take responsibility for their part in the fight until they feel and process their emotion.

It helps to establish a peace table/area in your home or classroom (click here for an idea of how this looks and here for a description of how to use it) and then talk about it as the place to go when any one in the family is in a upset or having feelings. It’s a place to regain calm.

HELP CHILDREN EXAMINE WHAT HAPPENED (WORKING TOWARDS STEPPING INTO ANOTHER’S SHOES, THE PRACTICE OF EMPATHY)

Separate the children who fought and allow them time to respond to the following questions. These questions written by Jane Nelsen, Ph.D. have been so helpful in my work with children that I call them golden!

Adults listen as the responses come forth. How you ask these questions, the gentle intonation of your voice and patience waiting for response, contributes to successful reflection.

What were you trying to accomplish?

What happened?

What do you think caused this to happen?

How did you feel about what happened?

How do you think others feel about what happened?

What did you learn from this experience?

What ideas do you have for a solution? (Jane Nelsen)

These questions help children explore the consequences of choices. A child has a chance to examine her own feelings as well as to eventually consider how the other person might feel about what happened (stepping into another’s shoes). This is different from "imposing" a consequence on a child, which is really a punishment in disguise by calling it a consequence.

Punishment focuses on making children "pay" for what they did. In my experience, focusing on solutions helps children learn from what they did and find respectful solutions.

TEACH CHILDREN TO LISTEN TO EACH OTHER

Invite the two fighters to listen to each other. Each child tells what happens from his or her view. Tell both that this is a chance to practice understanding. It is not about labeling who is right and who is wrong.

This means there is ONE talker and ONE listener, and then roles reverse. Tell them that this fighting tool has helped you and that you want to help them practice so they can use it when they need it.

Tell the rules for this type activity:

1. Look into the person's eyes when talking and listening.

2. Both people get a chance to tell what happened.

3. One person talks at a time while the other person listens.

4. Switch roles.

5. Begin by saying, “Both of you will get to tell what happened.” Invite one child to go first and tell her to say to the other child, “Will you please listen to me?”

INVITE SOLUTIONS

Brainstorm solutions that work for both children. Let the children lead on this. Write down every idea. Let the children agree on a solution. If no agreement comes forth, the adult says, “When you know which solution you choose, tell me. I know you can figure out a solution to your problem.” Then walk away.

HAVE A CLASS OR FAMILY MEETING

The two fighting children can add their problem to an agenda (posted in the class or on the family refrigerator). During the meeting, children (or family members) brainstorm solutions. Ideas are listed. The two children listen and each chooses a solution to try.

Tell your children about this entire process at a family meeting when a fight is not happening. They will then be familiar with what will happen and be ready to practice the steps when a fighting problem arises.

Part 2: Fighting children? First, take a pause.

2011-09-01T08:34:00.000-07:00

PART TWO – PREPARING MYSELF TO HELP FIGHTING CHILDREN

The first thing I do is calm myself (take a breath) and then examine my motive. Therefore, before I act in response to kids fighting, I pause.

Then I think. I remember my long-term goal: to help children become better communicators and solver of their problems.

I ask myself these questions before I take action. The questions were written by Jane Nelsen, Ph.D., founder of Positive Discipline, and author of a book by the same name.

Does my response help my child feel a sense of connection?

Is my response respectful and encouraging, both kind and firm?

Is my response effective long-term?

(Punishment works short term, but has negative long-term results)

Does my response teach social and life skills for good character?

(Respect, concern for others, problem-solving, cooperation.)

Does my response help my child discover and believe in his/her capability?

What to do when kids fight (not if, when)

2011-08-31T05:59:00.000-07:00

Image credit: Natalie, 4 years young, Sad Eagle, Dublin Montessori Academy

PART 1: WHAT TO DO WHEN KIDS FIGHT?

Over the next couple days, I'll write about what to do when kids fight. Today I’ll tell a real problem shared by a parent and introduce a philosophy context for working with this situation. It's a good example because it's easy to put ourselves in this parent's shoes!

A PARENT SHARES A PROBLEM

This week my first grade daughter was punished because she got in a fight on the playground. She hit a child back after this kid hit her. Now she’s suspended from recess for a week. The other child received no discipline. My daughter is really acting out now. Wednesday at school she drew with a colored marker on her arms. Yesterday she came home with a hole cut out of her blouse. Today her teacher told me she bit the erasers off of the class pencils. My daughter denied it. This is unusal behavior for my child.

THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS PROBLEM

Redirecting Children’s Behavior and Positive Discipline philosophies discourage using punishment. When punished, most children choose one of three responses. They rebel, seek revenge, or retreat. A retreating response can look like sneakiness—“I just won't get caught next time” or low self esteem—“I'm a bad person.”

The youngster described above seems to be vacillating between rebellion, (“You can't make me”), and revenge, (“I'll hurt you back”).

Many people interpret “not punishing” as permissive. It’s not. Permissive parenting is an abandonment of parental responsibility and does not help children. Instead of punishing, the process I’ll share tomorrow offers an alternative. We want our children to become thoughtful about their actions and learn to solve their problems.

Tomorrow I'll write about preparing ourselves to help fighting children.

Yikes! Some of us check our email before getting out of bed.

2011-08-27T09:48:00.000-07:00

Image credit

I read that 9 out of 10 Americans have seen people misuse technology (Parenting, September 2011 issue) Translation: We are all offenders.

How do you handle tech tools in your family? What are your rules or guidelines? Are all devices treated equal?

Consider these two statistics from Intel's "2011 State Of Mobile Etiquette" study:

46% of kids have seen Mom or Dad use the phone during dinner, and

49% don't see anything wrong with it

If the kids see you doing something, they assume it's approved behavior. Parents have a choice to set an example.

There is a new study that looks at the different ways our children spend their time. Basically, the study reports that small children today are more likely to navigate with a mouse, play a computer game and increasingly – operate a smartphone – than swim, tie their shoelaces or make their own breakfast. This is according to a new ‘Digital Diaries’ study from the Internet Security Company AVG. Digital Diaries is a series of studies looking at how children's interaction with technology has changed.*

How do you handle social media and tech tools in your family. What are your rules? Here are some parents' rules and opinions:

"I don't allow TV or video games during the day; if the sun is out, the technology is off." -Amanda

"We don't have a TV." -Angie

If a device is being used for an activity that's productive educational, or fosters family interactivity--such as reading and EBook together--that's positive screen time.

"This is the era of technology. Let them be good at it. It's about finding a balance, not cutting it out entirely." - Estela

"Cell phones are placed in a basket in the kitchen before bedtime. All family members included." -Janice

"I've seen a parent pushing her child on a swing while talking on the phone. Playing with the kids means, no tech tool use." -Sarah

*The poll by AVG of 2,200 mothers with children between 2 and 5 who have Internet access states their kids knew how to play video games (58%) than knew how to ride a bike (43%). Kids were able to open a Web browser (25%) than swim unaided (20%). An important gender divide could obviously not be found: Girls (59%) and boys (58%) ranked nearly equal in their tech skills at playing computer games. I was surprised to hear that French kids age 2-5 can use a computer mouse but only 67% of US kids.

Smart, startling smart, children. Let me count the ways.

2011-08-25T19:04:00.000-07:00

Image: Brooke Burkhart, 2 years young, swimming underwater

In what ways are your children smart? Have you heard or read about multiple intelligences or ways of being smart?

Harvard University professor of education Howard Gardner argues that everybody possesses at least eight intelligences, most of which have been overlooked in our testing society, and that each person’s blend of competences produces a unique cognitive profile. His book, Frames of Mind, now a classic, is evocative and his work (Project Zero) important.

Gardener’s work to bring together the data of neurology, exceptionality, development, and symbolic-cultural skills will open your eyes to your child’s abilities.

Why is it important to learn about multiple intelligences? Looking at ways of being smart encourages parents and children to make the most of learning. What your child is good at and enjoys can be a guide for study and work.

Here are the Multiple Intelligences described in simple language and applied to children:

WORD SMART (Linguistic Intelligence): You like words and how they’re used in reading, writing, or speaking. You may enjoy word and play games, foreign languages, storytelling, spelling, creative writing, or reading.

MUSIC SMART (Musical Intelligence): You appreciate music, rhythm, melody, and patterns in sounds. You are capable of hearing tone and pitch. You may appreciate many different kinds of music and enjoy activities like singing, playing instruments, listening to CDs, or attending concerts.

LOGIC SMART (Logical-Mathematical Intelligence): You enjoy figuring things out and may understand numbers and math concepts, like finding patterns, and have fun with science. You may like riddles, brainteasers, computers, creating your own codes, or doing science experiments.

PICTURE SMART (Spatial Intelligence): You love to look at the world and see all the interesting things in it. You may be able to picture things in your head. You may be able to take what you see and use your imagination to show others your vision through art, design, photography, architecture, or invention.

BODY SMART (Bodily-Kinesthetic Intelligence): You’re graceful and comfortable in your body, using it to learn new skills or to express yourself in different ways. You may be an athlete or use your body artistically in dance or acting. Or you may have more interest in working with your hands and doing activities like crafts, building models, or repairing things.

PEOPLE SMART (Interpersonal Intelligence): You’re interested in other people and how people interact with each other. You may be part of student government or a peer-mediation group at school, have lots of friends, be involved in neighborhood causes, or just enjoy being in casual social groups.

SELF SMART (Intrapersonal Intelligence): You’re aware of and understand your own feelings, what you’re good at, and the areas you want to improve. You often understand yourself better than others understand you. You may keep a journal, create plans for the future, reflect on the past, or set goals for yourself.

NATURE SMART (Naturalist Intelligence): You’re observant and enjoy identifying and classifying things like plants, animals, or rocks. You probably love being outdoors and may be interested in gardening, taking care of pets, cooking, or getting involved in ecological causes. You may also notice cultural artifacts like clothing and cars.

Information about intelligences from In Their Own Way written by Thomas Armstrong.

Phobia or denial (in dealing with chemicals)? Here is a middle path.

2011-08-24T06:00:00.000-07:00

Image credit

People tend to deal with information about toxic chemicals in our environment in two ways, phobia or denial, says Philip Landrigan, M.D., director of the Children's Environmental Health Center at Mount Sinai School of Medicine in New York City. "But there is a middle path," he says "and scientific knowledge about the toxicity of widely used chemicals provides the map."

In a spirit that we can all do things a bit smarter, here is a preliminary guide to lighten your chemical load.

1. IN THE BEDROOM

If people would buy different sheets, they might not need sleeping pills," Debra Lynn Dadd, author of Toxic Free, says. Polyester-cotton blends and permanent press linens have a finish that releases formaldehyde, which can irritate the throat and eyes--not helpful for peaceful sleep. Use untreated cotton sheets; avoid wrinkles by taking them out of the dryer right away.

2. IN YOUR LIVING ROOM

Pressed-wood products are another source of formaldehyde, which Laura Beane Freeman, Ph.D., investigator with the National Cancer Institute, has lined to myeloid leukemia in factory workers. Let pieces air out in a room with doors shut and windows open, suggests Tom Lent, policy director at the Healthy Building Network in Washington, D.C. Or shop for used pieces (already aired out). Even better, choose used, real wood furniture.

3. IN THE BATHROOM

Eliminate this: the antimicrobial chemical triclosan. Triclosan, the chemical used in hundreds of germ-fighting products, may damage the liver and disrupt thyroid hormones. These products contribute to drug resistance, and people using antimicrobial soap get sick as often as regular sud users, a review in the American Journal of Public Health finds. Toss tricolsan. Gotta sanitize? Opt for alcohol-based gels.

4. ON YOUR TABLE

Some fast food wrappers and bags, pizza boxes, and microwave popcorn bags contain oil-and-water-repelling chemicals that transfer to and metabolize in the body, forming likely carcinogens, says Jessica D'eon, Ph.D., a researcher in the department of chemistry at the University of Toronto. The EPA is working to eliminate the chemicals by 2015; until then, it's our job to avoid it.

5. IN YOUR GARDEN

Before dousing your lawn with chemicals try TLC: Water with a soaking hose, add weed-inhibiting and untreated mulch to garden beds, and set the mower for 3 inches (as longer grass shades and stifles weeds). Got a weed you can't stand? Try corn gluten or vinegar.

6. AROUND YOUR HOME

"Chemicals can piggy back on dust, " Dadd, explains. Women whose breast milk contained the fire retardant Deca, which animal studies link to problems with memory and attention, also had Deca in their vacuum-bag dust, EWG (ewg.org) found. Dust surfaces and floors weekly (with a toxin-free cleaner), take off your shoes and wipe pets' paws at the door (so no one tracks in chemicals), and change filters in your central-air-system often.

7. AT THE MARKET

You can consume nearly 80% fewer pesticides by eating organic versions of the 12 most contaminated items, the EWG concludes. The worst produce is apples, followed by celery, strawberries, peaches, spinach, imported nectarines, imported grapes, bell peppers, potatoes, domestic blueberries, lettuce, and kale.

Information taken from an article written by Judi Ketteler for Self.com/health.

"I can't wait to get up and come to school to be with your kids."

2011-08-14T14:58:00.000-07:00

The young girl in this video reminds me of two things: how smart kids are and why teachers want to teach. August means that teachers are eager to get back to school. And it's because of your children. In the words of teacher Robin Edidin, "I can't wait when I get up in the morning so that I can come here and be with your kids."

To build on this young girl's lesson, browse Sandy Steingraber's article The Organic Manifesto. In pictures and words she makes a compelling argument to invest in organics.

From pat to pit to pot. Accelerated learning in a game.

2011-08-10T12:40:00.000-07:00

Image Credit: Laura, 6 years young, Dublin Montessori Academy

Children love to play the transformation game!

I recall the first time I introduced this game to 4 - 6 year olds who were reading. A child who was not in this group watched from a short distance. The next day she gleefully skipped into the classroom and handed me a transformation game she wrote at home! A picture of her work is above.

The goal is to start with one word and make it another by changing one sound. There are 4 rules. You can substitute, add, insert, or reverse. Click here to read more about the game.

(s) substitution (of one sound for another)
(a) addition (of one sound at the front or end of a word)
(i) insertion (of one sound within a word)
(r) reversal (of the sounds of a word)

Children often use the Words in Color Fidel (chart of spellings for all the sounds).

Write the words in shapes, like the circle. Or use adding machine paper! I've seen some L-O-N-G games. Children keep their work in order with a rubber band around the roll of tape. Oh, this is also a fun road trip activity.

Perspective is all-powerful. I'll take that glass half full.

2011-08-09T10:17:00.000-07:00

Image credit: Yasir Iqbal

Today a friend asked me a question that many others ask. Knowing I am in complete remission from an incurable cancer, he asked, “This might be too personal. But with your cancer, I want to ask what one thing helped you?"

Of course, I have an excellent medical team and ceaseless prayers of hope from others. He was asking if there was something else. There is.

“I decided to love it,” I replied.

This past weekend I saw the movie Another Earth. In it, the main character Rhoda, tells a story that explains what I feel. You can listen to her tell the story by clicking here. She says:

Do you know the story of the Russian cosmonaut?

So the cosmonaut—he’s the first man ever to go into space. He goes up in this big spaceship but the inhabitable part of it is very small.

He has this portal window and he sees the curvature of the earth. For the first time. The first man to ever look at the planet he’s from. And he’s lost in that moment. And all of a sudden, this strange ticking…is coming out of the dashboard. He rips out the control panel, and he tries to find this sound. To stop this sound. He can’t find it. He can’t stop it. It keeps going.

A few hours into it feels like torture. A few days go by with this sound and he knows that this small sound will break him. He’ll lose his mind.

What’s he going to do? He’s up in space. Alone. In a space closet. He has 25 days left to go with this sound.

Well, the cosmonaut decides that the only way to save his sanity is to fall in love with this sound. So he closes his eyes and he goes into his imagination and then he opens his heart. He opens his eyes. He doesn’t hear ticking anymore. He hears music.

And he spends the remainder of his time sailing through space in total bliss. In peace.

What I love about this story is the positive paradigm shift. A change in perspective.

Have you heard the phrase “drop the storyline”? Pema Chodron often uses it. It means that it doesn't really matter what happens--an irritating noise, an unhappy child, loss of a loved one, pet or home, a move, an illness. Upset, discouragement, despair, frustration, disappointment, fear. Basically, they are all the same in a way and shared by humans worldwide. These discomforts bring us an opportunity to embrace a bigger possibility.

I cannot change the world or what happens. However, I can change how I choose to see and respond to it. I am comforted knowing I am not alone facing these feelings, my experiences.

A book for children about trying

2011-07-17T07:45:00.000-07:00

I read The dot by Peter H. Reynolds and thought parents might want to read it aloud to young children. It's a simple story that invites big idea follow up questions. After reading it, I found it easy to create questions to invite discussion about trying,"red dot" experiences, or little dots we'd like to begin in our lives.

This is a review about The Dot from the Irma S. and James H. Black Honor for Excellence in Children's Literature - Awards:

"This book was delivered automatically in our Junior Library Guild order, and it has become one of my all-time favorites as a librarian.

When Vashti angrily stabs a dot onto an empty art class assignment, her teacher wisely follows through with a lesson in life by framing her dot for all to see.

This little bit of attention takes Vashti to new heights by allowing her to take that dot and see where it leads her. She paints all sorts of dots and gains new confidence.

What the story really teaches us is to try, and to start with the tiniest of dots to begin our journeys. As my library class discussed the theme, many of the kids brought up "dots" in their own lives, such as learning how to roller skate, sink a free-throw, or turn a cartwheel. We all have to start somewhere!"

Practice math with your children using origami paper

2011-07-15T08:42:00.000-07:00

This is a video of teachers playing with origami to explore mathematics. Teachers practice ways to present math lessons to their students inspired by their own learning experiences.

The workshop leader begins by asking the teachers to use the origami paper to show a half, a quarter, and then says, "With a friend, show me 3/8." Then, she challenges them to fold an equilateral triangle, and later geometric shapes.

It brings forth a memory of conversations with children in the preschool about visits to Epcot (Walt Disney World) and noticing the geodesic sphere at the entrance. Building on this interest, the older children in the primary class folded tetrahedrons from origami paper and assembled them into a geodesic sphere.

Mom embeds herself in 7th and 8th grade classrooms

2011-07-14T19:17:00.000-07:00

Image credit: Decoder, The Partnership at Drugfree.org

I subscribe to Decoder and recommend the blog to parents. Today's post, "Surprises I Uncovered in My Daughter's Sex Ed Class," is about a new parenting book. Lauren Kessler introduces her book titled My Teenage Werewolf: A Mother, a Daughter, a Journey Through the Thicket of Adolescence by talking about how she got her content:

As part of the research for My Teenage Werewolf, my new book about 21st century teen girl culture and navigating the stormy seas of the mother-daughter relationship, I embedded myself in (among other venues) 7th and 8th grade classrooms. I was the Margaret Mead of Middle School, the curious, intrepid cultural anthropologist observing an exotic – fascinating, sometimes scary – subculture: the tween/teen girl.

Kessler spends a week in a sex education class with teen girls. She writes about being surprised about how knowledgeable and savvy teens were, "especially the girls" --smart about personal safety and how to say no when pressured for sex. They were "neither embarrassed or uncomfortable." Kessler saw real smarts in the questions and responses of the teens, "except, oddly when it came to their own peer's behavior."

On the final day of class, the community educator asked them to guess how many kids their age had already had sex. The kids called out numbers. 55 percent. 68 percent. 99.9 percent. They all laughed at that last one. All but one of the kids thought more than half of 13-year-olds in this county had already had sex.

The actual statistic, the educator told them, was 16 percent. There was an audible gasp. (And from me, an audible sigh of relief.) I was left wondering why these kids, seemingly smart about everything else, had so overestimated how many of their friends were having sex. Maybe it was their collective immersion in our sex-saturated media environment, with exposure to so many images, so many words, so many hidden and not-so-hidden messages. Maybe all this talk, and all this action, didn’t make today’s teens want to have sex – as so many fear – as much as it made them think everyone else was having it.

Read the entire post and information about Kessler's new book here.

10 Tips for Talking to Your Teen About Sex, Drugs, and Alcohol

Powers of mind - Vivian and amazing

2011-07-12T07:17:00.001-07:00

Here is an example of the powers of mind I blogged about today. This is a picture of Vivian, age 7 years young. She heard "Amazing Grace" sung and came home and played it on the piano.

"Only awareness is educable."

2011-07-12T06:51:00.000-07:00

One of Caleb Gattegno's core teachings is "only awareness is educable." This video is a helpful lesson for teachers and parents about how to educate awareness, whether it be reading, math, or any other lesson. Two aspects I'm contemplating after watching:

"How do I use the powers of my mind?" (in teaching others and in my own learning)

"Am I using post-peration?" Reflection. Is my focus post-peration (instead of preparation). I leave the class or life lesson and think, "I wonder what I can do for my (that) child. That child didn't get it. What part of what happened is something I can do to help?" My preparation then is realizing what I can do tomorrow or next from what I learned today.

Spontaneous drawings of children = complex ! (factorial)

2011-07-10T19:52:00.000-07:00

Image: Dog Barking, Owen, 4 years young, Dublin Montessori Academy

In one of Gattegno's books he includes a drawing made by a young child.

"My family," the child exclaims!

Using a pencil, the child drew three different sized lines--an orange-sized line is father, a black-sized line is mother, and a light green-sized line for himself. Free play with the Algebricks is an activity enjoyed by young children, and an abstraction of the rods shows in that drawing.

Paper is kept on the shelf in classrooms to allow children the opportunity to express and process their analytic games and structures. I remembered these drawings when I read this passage today:

Within human education, the training of the intellect is based on opposite premises from those which assume that academic performance must be based on high I.Q. averages. A universal education cannot afford to allow social or academic prejudices to blur reality. The work of the intellect is an attribute of every functioning mind. Children, at a very early age use analytic powers to distinguish likes from unlikes; they experience the apprenticeship of the whole language with complex structures and appropriate symbols. The symbolic games and spontaneous drawings which they create at the age of five to seven are of such complex structure that no school work, including mathematics, can ever compare with them (The Adolescent and His Will, "Consciousness, Environment and Human Education" (139).

Doing "just this." A lesson from Caleb Gattegno.

2011-07-09T09:16:00.000-07:00

Erin, by Kyra, 6 years young, Dublin Montessori Academy student, about 2005.

One's will (present self) is really the hero in learning. Caleb Gattegno

We all have them. Moments of startling awareness. A memorable moment happened to me while eating lunch with Caleb Gattegno (@1986). We sat across from each other in a small room away from the classrooms. I eagerly set out my sandwich and drink on a place mat. He had a simple bowl of vegetables. He sat quietly. I took a bite of my sandwich, chewed a couple times, and then asked a question to engage conversation. I can't remember what I asked and it doesn't matter.

Gattegno listened to my question, paused, and then kindly and gently said, "Susan, I'm going to chew my food and focus on digesting it." Then he did as he said. We sat together quietly for about a half hour chewing, looking at each other, smiling every once in a while. I began to practice for the first time a focus on being present in the activity of eating.

This lesson impacted my life, though it has taken until now to truly quiet and slow the process. I am learning how to stay still, to observe, to be with what it is I am doing (not multi-tasking!) for the good of my life, and especially for the good of the learning experiences I share with children and others.

How did this lunch come to be?

Caleb Gattegno visited Center Montessori School several times in the 80s. These visits were organized by Janice Mattina who was a close friend and student of his work. She wanted to offer to her teachers the same learning opportunity.

When he came, we observed him teach the students The Silent Way, Words and Color, and mathematics systems using Algebricks. We also shared engaged conversation about topics such as affectivity, communication and expression, defining our terms, and the potential and meaning of education (tomorrow's post).

A teaching demonstration looked similar to what you see in the video. He worked with students as we watched. He came into our classes and observed us teaching. The children you see in the videos I've posted earlier are not gifted or "special" children--all children have powers to learn if their will (self) is present. Gattegno wrote a book titled The Adolescent and His Will (Outerbrideg & Dienstfrey, New York, 1971) to help teachers and others understand this integral aspect of learning.

While studying to become a Montessori teacher, I realized the role of stilling myself to listen and observe with sensitivity in all experiences. Gattegno's life work is based in his extraordinary ability to listen and observe ("the world is my laboratory"). His visits to pass along his knowledge and awareness deepened my desire to develop the same skills.

I believe that the greatest gift I can give myself and others is just this: to be present, to listen. Especially when I'm with my children.

Learning the ABCs is a lesson in learning the names of letters, not reading

2011-07-02T06:31:00.000-07:00

I remember a parent sharing, "My child still is not reading. We work on the ABCs and read together every day."

Learning the ABCs is a lesson in learning the names of letters, not the sounds though singing the ABC song exercises the voice. Reading aloud to a child is an important and helpful activity to encourage reading!

This video is a reading demonstration. A teacher uses one chart to introduce all 59 sounds. Notice how consonant sounds are not isolated when they are presented as often happens in other reading programs. For example, saying the letter "p" in isolation is really two sounds. Introducing the sound of "p" alone is confusing.

We teach children the conventions of reading. "Reading is a game where we put sounds together and discover which word it is!" Eventually words are put together to form phrases or sentences. Sentences are put together to form paragraphs. Paragraphs become stories. Children compose stories using the charts and illustrate them.

Gattegno's "cause" was literacy. The charts are available in multiple languages. Words in Color is used in over 40 countries.

"A" is for more than apple

2011-06-30T07:13:00.001-07:00

Why is learning to read a challenge? Words do not tell students how to read them. Spellings are visible, sounds are not. And, "a" is for more than apple. There are 11 different pronunciations for the letter "a."

Powers of the 1st grader's mind

2011-06-30T06:51:00.000-07:00

Hang with me on this video. It's dated in appearance yet contemporary in lesson format.

Caleb Gattegno invites children to use their powers of mind to study fractions in grade one. Lessons begin with a pile of colored sticks of varying lengths (Algebricks) where children soon learn which stick is which by the feel of its length.

Astounding but true. Children learn to read using color as a clue

2011-06-29T18:57:00.000-07:00

We teachers notice it often. It happens while sitting in preschool circle waiting for classmates to arrive or leave. Or a child sits in front of the Words in Color charts. Not infrequently, a child will start pacing back and forth in front of the charts for a spectacular show of learning capacity. I've literally watched children teach themselves to read.

Children look at the (24) Words in Color charts to find a new sound introduced in a lesson. The sound is identified with a specific color. Every spelling for each sound is on the fidel or phonic code charts. Other charts hold words that make up every sound group and spelling. The children will eventually be introduced to 59 sound groups and the 400 English spellings that make up the groups.

It all begins with Chart one, sometimes called Pop Ups as it was identified when played on NBC television over 40 years ago during commercial breaks. My children and many of the children of parents who read this blog learned to read using Caleb Gattegno's Words in Color and method. This Pop Up Video was played in class or we began with the first three charts of these sounds. We teachers gave the sounds just as you see in the video and the children spontaneously made the sounds after they were introduced.

Where did I learn this? From Janice Mattina, founder and director of Center Montessori School. Janice taught us what she learned and brought Caleb Gattegno, founder of Words in Color to her school for workshops.

This is the 100 year celebration of Gattegno's work who also founded The Cuisenaire Company (math). I'll show more videos in other posts.

Getting to calm, summer reading for parents of kids 10 - 18 years

2011-06-16T19:50:00.000-07:00

Image: Mark and David Carroll, Cranbook, British Columbia

Nani and Mike Carroll, parents of David and Mark, sent me Laura Kastner and Jennifer Wyatt's book Getting to Calm, Cool-headed Strategies for Parenting Tweens and Teens after they heard the authors speak. It arrived with an enthusiastic letter. "Susan, you'll want to read this book!"

The last book we read together (the Carrolls and about 18 other parents) was John Gottman's Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. Like that book, Getting to Calm emphasizes that emotional intelligence starts in the home.

Kastner and Wyatt begin by reassuring us that "teen difficulties happen to the best of parents" and "raising an adolescent is a daunting experience."

Then they list and break down 14 of the most frequently encountered and normal rough patches of adolescence and offer specific strategies for resolving the difficulties successfully and enhancing the teen's development in the process. It's easy, helpful, engaged reading.

The encounters? Here they are with a few of the topics covered.

1. When your sweet child morphs into a a sassy teen

taming the attitude; staying calm in the face of rudeness; the tricky issue of manners; defiance

2. Why smart teens do really dumb things

when and why teens don't use their head; extraordinary discoveries about teen brain development; why emotion trumps reason, learning from mistakes, the myth of immunity or invincibility (this changed my thinking!)

3. Why your trustworthy teen pulls a fast one

a family story and handling of a teen crisis; stellar strategies for confronting a teen; why even good teens lie; setting up family rules and policies; using the CALM technique (the value of pause continues); dealing with doubts about whether or not I have a good relationship with my teen

4. When you and your spouse disagree

the family fish bowl; good cop, bad cop and why nobody wins; how decent kids turn into problem kids; four triggers for splitting parents apart

5. When your teen is acting like a spoiled brat

the epidemic of "entitle-mania"; the big brush off--a teen's favorite weapon; family story--if I say "yes" will my teen love me more?; how to kick-start new and better habits for truly resistant teens; weak boundaries and family-of-origin problems; pathways to indulgence

6. When you're worried you're losing your teen

selfhood 2.0; the self-centeredness of young teens; family story--a dad struggle's with his son's choices; forks in the road --who gets to choose the way?

7. When they're screaming at you--or not talking at all

family story--a savvy mom avoids a mom/daughter tornado; dealing with emotional dumping; staying connected when your teen is shutting you out; the "girl thing" and the "boy thing"

8. When teens are mean

why bashing your teen's friends is a bad move; how parents blow it by overreacting to peers; adolescent social bruises; strategic moves for banning friends; how "in" a teen's world should you be?

9. When your teen wants to be wired all the time

lots of family stories--the plague of plagiarism, pornography invasion, "game washed"; caught in the web of a cyberstalker; and why face time matters

10. When your teen is "going out"

the teen brain in love; family story--a mom fears her son is falling for a "fast girl"; do's and don'ts of teen dating for parents; the downside of romantic relationships; the incredible benefits of dating

11. Whey you need to talk about sex

puberty dawns; family story--navigating the tricky waters of talking about sexual intimacy; a list for teens considering sexual intimacy; new trends; techniques for talking about sex

12. When you're fighting about grades

the core four, what kind of student is your teen?; seven top tips for boosting school achievement; what matters more than the numbers game

13. When you catch your teen drinking or smoking

the teen brain and substances: a unique and scary brew; good moves for sticky situations; write a caring letter to your teen; actions that speak louder than words

14. When everyone is completely stressed out

family story--a scheduling dilemma; why we put up with the rat race; crafting a calmer home; a strategic plan for building family health

Child Takes Coins

2011-06-02T08:16:00.000-07:00

Image credit, Getty

Many of my blog posts originate from questions parents ask. Here's one.

I need help! In our living room are two large decorative jars and whenever I find change in my purse I dump it in one of them. When they get full, I take and exchange them for paper money. I recently noticed that one of the jars was rather empty compared to what I had remembered. I asked my children about it and heard a standard answer--“We don't know.”

But I found out where all the coins had gone!

They are stuffed into my seven-year old’s piggy bank to the point where you could not put anything in or take anything out. When I asked where he got all those coins, his reply was, “They're mine...from my allowance.” I do give him an allowance but it is mostly in dollar bills ($1 a week).

Not really sure how to tackle this one and would love your input. Please. He is going through a very "materialistic" phase where his whole focus is all on what I have, what his other siblings have…I want, I want, I want....Never really dealt with this one with the other children.

This story makes me smile. I've learned it is good to have lightness in my heart when dealing with a child's learning experiences.

So you know that the coins are in his piggy bank and he likely put them in.

Here’s what I would do.

Part 1. Talk to my child about the "missing" coins.

First, I'd clear my mind of any lecturing or moralizing I might want to give about honesty, lying, stealing. I'd let that go.

A child taking the coins is basically about gaining autonomy, though there are other ways he'll better practice that : ). The not telling the truth thing could be about not feeling safe; it could be about imaginative thinking.

The actually handling of this: I'd take a light and polite approach. When you can, have a one-on-one chat with your child. I'd say something like, "Remember those coins in the brass jars? They mysteriously disappeared and I'm wondering where they went. The reason I'm wondering is that we use that money to do fun things with the family. Daddy and I save the coins and then trade them for dollars. We use those dollars to take you, sister, Daddy, and I to the movies (or buy ice cream--you get where I'm going with this). I just wish I knew where they went! Maybe whoever took them will put the coins back so that we can go get s'mores (or whatever fun treat you give the children or want to give)."

This will give your child a chance to regain integrity--to put the money back. I'd try to look the other way and give time for him to put the coins back. Practice patience.

Then you might invite your children sometime in the future (at family meeting or dinner) to brainstorm ideas about how to spend this money. A coin-saving idea can be a wonderful way to engage thoughtful consideration about the ways we use money (to pay expenses, save for needs and wants, to give away in service). When you do have this discussion, I'd ask who wants to write down the ideas as they come forth.

OK. That's Part 1.

Part 2. Now, the feeling part and allowing all feelings.

I read about uncomfortable feelings in one of the Faber/Mazlish books (How to Talk So Kids Listen & Listen So Kids Talk). It went something like this, "The more I try to push a child's unhappy or other (want, want) feelings away, the more my child becomes stuck in them. The more comfortably I can accept the bad feelings, the easier it for my child to let go of them."

It is so much easier to say, "'You wish you had...'" when a child starts wantwanting than to have an all-out battle over who was right or why something is right and why (42).” Those battles end up feeling like judgments or criticisms.

Keeping this in mind, I'd use your child’s wantwant talk as a chance for him to tell you what he wishes for and then grant it to him in fantasy. The idea is to give in fantasy what I cannot give. Like when I'm on the playground before lunchtime. To the hungry child saying, "I'm starving! I want an ice cream!" I reply, "Me too! I'd have a vanilla scoop in a cone with a cherry on top. What would you have?"

Another idea is to keep a pen and paper nearby and when your child starts telling you what he wishes or wants, quietly listen and then get that paper and pen and start writing. When your child asks what you're doing, say "I'm writing that "[Child’s name] wants a sparkly necklace with a lightening bolt. And then when he adds, "And shoes that light up when I walk, too" --write that.

And smile.

Writing it doesn't mean you have to give it to him. Tell him that you like to know what he wants. Writing it is a way to honor your child's voice, which is a long term goal and a way to listen so that your child feels heard. It's about giving a child opportunities to find his own voice and life, and about me (as parent) practicing acceptance of this.

Part 3. Value lessons, and how and when to teach them.

When?

When my child takes coins or has any other teachable-moment experience, I use that experience to take in information about what I need to teach or talk about with my children. I teach value or character lessons away from any act where my child might feel blame, judgment, criticism.

How?

I think the best way to teach honesty (or any other value or character attribute) is to model that lesson in my life. For example, for honesty, when the light is red, I don’t take a cut through at the gas station. If I get too much money in change at the store, I give it back. When my child asks how I feel, instead of saying “fine" or "good” when I don't, I identify my feeling and then share it. There are many words to describe feelings.

I also have cards with words I want to teach written on them. At a family or class meeting, I ask if anyone knows what this word means. A child draws a card out and I ask what it means and if anyone has had an experience of, say, respect if that card is drawn. I blogged the things kids said during a conversation with them in an earlier post.

Who Knows?

2011-05-10T07:05:00.000-07:00

National Geographic Photo of the Day, Israeli children playing at the local fountain in Tel Aviv city, photograph by Dima Vazinovich

Certainly, bees, spiders, and wasps, are highly skilled--they build beautiful structures. Looking at a beehive, a wasp's nest, or a spider's web, we admit their know-how, but we say, 'These species do not know how to think. They cannot do mathematics. They cannot plan and design projects. They don't have intelligence. All they have is instinct.’ Still, it was not we humans who gave them nests and webs, it was the little ‘brainless’ creatures themselves who designed and built those marvelous architectures that we so admire. - Thich Nhat Hanh. The Sun My Heart (52).

My dream is that children, all children, will be respected as competent learners before we educators try to teach them anything...the intellectual work children do to teach themselves before they go to school, while majorly unrecognized, is nothing less than remarkable. - Janice Mattina. Shift Ed, Working on the Shift Ed Vision (89).

Today I read from two different books and found a similarity in how I view a child's innate knowing ability.

In Shift Ed, Janice Mattina, founder and director of Center Montessori School, writes about a child's ability to know in a way that Hanh writes about bees.

When I read Janice's essay, an invitation to consider schools of the future, I realized that she was writing about the beliefs on which her school is created. While reading, I recalled lessons I learned working with her at the school for 10 years in the 80s. Her ideas galvanized my curiosity about children and ultimately affected my actions as a teacher.

Here are some of her teachings:

"Children are their own best teachers."

Children "teach themselves many skills perfectly before they even enter school, in fact so perfectly that they never have to review or reinstruct themselves."

“Probably the most difficult thing a person does in a lifetime is to teach oneself one’s native tongue, one’s first foreign language.”

I can still hear and see Janice think out loud as she pondered in astonishing acceptance the capability of a child learning to talk. “Yet almost all of us do this by the time we are three years young without any formal education, without any lessons from anyone, without homework, tests, reviews, external motivation, textbooks, grades, or relearning. How did this happen?” And then she’d respond to her own question.

“We used the powers of mind to do this. We did not use our memory, which is a weak power of the mind and which needs all this support.”

Janice talks about schools of the future no longer using memory as it is now used and instead capitalizing on the powers children use when they teach themselves to speak.

What she’s getting at is that there is something powerfully important to be learned from watching children learn. Her essay continues with descriptions of classrooms in her school and a teacher’s attitudes and views in that room with learners.

Janice’s lessons continue to affect my life. I aspire to be curious about and observant of people as an important way to learn about the human condition. Being still and cultivating openness helps my practice.

End of school year is time for talk about transition and loss

2011-04-28T07:59:00.000-07:00

Image credit: Zachary, age 6, "Scared Rabbit," Dublin Montessori Academy @ 2006.

So let’s settle it right now: Life is unfair. Life is tough. Hard lessons are part of our days.

As the school year comes to a close, we notice signs of unsettled children in classrooms and homes. Change is in the air--the school year is ending, goodbyes to classmates are coming, a new summer routine is just around the corner.

It is the perfect time for a conversation about transition and loss.

Janice Mattina, founder and director of Center Montessori School, wisely raises an awareness in her students that losses are part of life. Daddy or mommy head off on a trip is an early lesson about letting go. A school year ends. Friends graduate and go to new schools. Not getting a desired something. A pet dies. A family member divorces. Grandmother passes.

Janice moves the children from awareness to acceptance through conversations, very important conversations, which require listening from the heart. The long term goal of the conversation is to “embrace loss as a lifelong healing companion.”

These words were introduced to Janice and upper elementary and middle school-aged Center students by Karen Warren-Severson, MEd, NCC, a counselor and coach, in a “Mending Hearts” workshop. I heard about Karen’s work through Janice and then from Karen as she offered her counsel as I began my cancer journey.

Karen asks students, “What do you believe about loss and grieving? And then, “If you accept loss as a lifelong companion, how will your grief change?” An honest, open discussion comes forth. Feelings such as relief, acceptance, and peace arise.

Karen leaves the students with heart-shaped pieces of cloth. The hearts had cuts in them, cuts that the children could mend or sew closed as a metaphor for their healing process. The hearts remain on the shelf for whenever they are needed.

It is not surprising that these children are able to more readily and openly talk about their losses after this workshop. When Janice listens to a child struggle with transition or loss, she asks, “Can you work with that?” And here is the miraculous wonder of children. The common reply is, “Yes I can work that." Willingness.

Without willingness, it is impossible to move to the action step. Then the question becomes, “How are you going to work with that today?”

For more information about Karen and her workshops, click here.

What am I learning about adversity?

2011-04-10T07:52:00.000-07:00

Image credit: National Geographic

What am I learning about adversity? And how is my lesson important to parents?

In a short story I heard*—it’s like standing in the ocean and a big wave knocks me (you) down and I get sand in my nose and mouth. The wave goes out. Then another wave comes and knocks me down. But I now know that the wave comes in and it goes out.

It keeps happening like that. And after awhile the waves appear to be getting much smaller.

Being knocked down and standing up again is how my cancer or any challenge becomes less of a threat. Sure, the waves come but I know I can stand up again and keep walking forward. It’s the experience of calling on a strength and confidence in my ability to face what is before me.

It’s hard work. How many times have I (you) wanted to stay on the bottom of the ocean when things go south in a life experience? parenting?

Again I say this because it's so important: I know I can go down and I know I can get up. I "stand up" by facing my fears and the feelings around it. I understand that the human experience is varied and rich, and that I can stay face my fear (instead of running or avoiding).

It takes a lot of support to do this. It is so easy to look or stay down instead of up. We all need a lot of encouragement to “to get up.”

Thinking about this in parenting terms--I’m learning that how I live is the ultimate way to teach my children. My practice in facing all of life’s experiences is passed on by example. A question I ask, “Are my actions, words, and thoughts worth catching?”

Being the change I dream, living my values and beliefs, speaking with clarity, acing with loving-kindness are parenting aspirations.

*Pema Chodron

What do you remember about Sea Camp?

2011-04-06T12:34:00.000-07:00

I noticed that Center Montessori School (Bradenton, Florida) middle school students recently traveled to Costa Rica for a habitat study field trip. Looking at the pictures posted on FaceBook reminded me of the first travel trip Center students took in the 80s.

At the time, the Center program was preschool through upper elementary or 9 - 12 year olds. I wonder if the students remember when Janice Mattina (director and teacher) arrived in flippers and a snorkel mask to wave us off?

Or... (I'll get the memory juices going)

Cheering Kate Wetterau's swim test! Before boating to the reef to dive, every student took a swim test to prove swimming ability.

Larry Mattacchione coming down with strep throat mid-trip and a trip to the medical clinic for antibiotics.

Sara Pasienza Bacchus' first dive to the bottom of the sea (about 12 feet). She shot to the surface exclaiming, "You have to see this, it's a whole new world down here!"

Playing hide and go seek by burying our bodies in low tide muck.

Licking mangrove leaves to taste the salt to see how the tree is able in live in salt water.

Slowing for an alligator crossing the street on, of course, Alligator Alley.

Collecting live creatures to represent phyla, studying, and releasing them into the sea.

A student diving in the controlled outdoor area with shark and barracuda, popping up to the surface to call out for everyone to come in-- "The barracuda stripes are bright!"-- signaling that this fish was calm and not hungry!

What do you remember?

Explore the possibility of taking your class or trying summer Sea Camp if you're a teen by clicking here.

Setting guidelines for your child's media diet

2011-03-23T13:56:00.000-07:00

Image credit: Healthy Children website.

I found helpful information on this website:

From Healthy Children. Powered by Pediatricians. Trusted by Parents

Look for the minute long videos about topics such as:

Media Education: What Parents Can Do
Smoking in the Movies (Audio)
Kids and Social Media (Audio)
What Children are NOT Doing When Watching TV
Log On to Safety

Two tips:
Guidelines about internet posting (for kids): Follow the Four Ps
"Don't let your child post anything publicly that parents, principals, predators or the police shouldn't see," she said. "Everyone is looking. And what you post on the Internet stays there forever."

About cell phones for kids
“The best thing parents can do is educate, educate, educate,” Dr. Milteer said. “They also need to set limits.” One suggestion--put a basket out where children place their phones upon arriving home. “Then they can’t go in their room and text their friends,” she said. If they need to contact them, they can use the house’s landline.

Thud went his foot and Olivia cried, "You killed Charlotte!"

2011-03-09T08:20:00.000-08:00

I was sitting in circle with the children as we waited for students to arrive. Suddenly, a garden spider made a dash in an attempt to hide under the shelves. Raymond saw it, jumped up and landed his foot on top with a thud. As he smiled, Olivia cried out, “You killed Charlotte!” Raymond paused, eyes and mouth open, likely connecting to Charlotte’s Web, the book I was reading out loud after lunch and said, “It was headed for Lily. It would have bit her!” Then he added, "It's scary spider." I understood Raymond’s feelings and empathized.

Years earlier while teaching a class of 9 – 12 year olds, I’d had another circle spider experience. Kristopher, a proclaimed arachnid researcher, brought a garden spider to class and placed it in a large topless aquarium that held the class turtle and other crab spiders Kristopher caught for us to observe. The children related to this part because we had two gerbils, a red-toed frog, and a rabbit.

I continued with the story and told them how sometime during circle, that garden spider found its way to a girl named Sissy’s leg. Another student noticed and cried out, “Sissy, Kris’ spider is on your leg.” Sissy didn’t scream, but she naturally reflected her leg and the spider landed on Vance’s shirt. Kristopher quickly grabbed it and put it back in the aquarium.

I told Raymond that I was scared and glad the spider didn’t land on me.

I turned to Olivia. I see your tears. A couple other children said they were crying too. I'm sad that the spider is dead. Olivia got up and walked to the peace table to cry some more. Another child said we could have a funeral.

I paused and reminded the children that when something uncomfortable happens, there is usually a lesson for us. I realized and shared that I had not told them the cycle of life lesson or connected the study of biodiversity to the Animal and Plant Kingdom studies. As I promised to bring that lesson to circle this week, Will asked, “Is the cycle of life like photosynthesis?" I responded by saying, "It's like it in that it's about things working together."

I briefly explained that plants and animals, all living creatures, work together. "For example, when bees get nectar from a flower, pollen ends up on their abdomen and they fly to the next flower and it's distributed.

Let's get back to the spider and what happened today. How can we support the work of spiders and insects that accidentally end up in our classroom?" The children had ideas like ignoring them, opening the door and hope it finds the outside, and choosing someone to guard insects. Then older child Jamie remembered the lesson about what to do when an insect or spider is in the classroom. He demonstrated.

Use a cup and piece of paper to gently capture the insect. Once captured, release the living creature outdoors. We put paper and cups on the shelf to be ready.

Look for conversation door openers this weekend

2011-02-03T06:31:00.000-08:00

Image credit

In the last few months, I've heard parents ask these questions:

"I know I should talk to my teen about drugs, but what should I say?"

"Do you have any examples of limits I can set, like having a no-use policy?" (look below for a good example)

"What do I say if my child asks me if I ever did drugs?" (see the PS to Joe's letter)

"How do I use teachable moments?" (Super Bowl beer ads will give parents many teachable moments this coming weekend! See link to the 7 beer ads you'll see.)

"I don't even know about the most common street drugs. Do you have a guide?" (Yes! I downloaded the one in the letter below.)

I believe that one of the most important parenting jobs is to become informed about drug culture. Fortunately, parents have a tremendous support group and network in the Partnership for a Drugfree America. Click here to like them on FaceBook or register for monthly info emails. I did. This is the message I received today along with links. It's now one of my favorites.

Dear Susan,

Recent news about bath salts and marijuana soda can leave parents wondering which substances are on their teen's radar.

Soon thoughts may swirl through your mind: Do any of his friends smoke pot? Has he been offered a joint? Do her friends get drunk? Does she?

Of course, the only way to know the answers to these questions is to come out and ask.

But we know this isn't as easy as it sounds.

Well, one way to start the dialogue with your child is to use Teachable Moments.
The idea is to use news items, movies, books or TV shows as a springboard to start a conversation about drugs or alcohol. "So, what do you think about what's going on with [insert fictional characters, celebrity, professional athlete, classmates or relative?]" or "Have you ever heard of bath salts?"

Perhaps even one of the seven beer ads airing during this Sunday's Super Bowl might help spark a conversation.

It's also important to know what's out there. To help you sound like you know what you're talking about, we've developed a handy Drug Guide for Parents (pdf) outlining the 13 most commonly used drugs by teens.

Lastly, when you do talk with your child, ask him to share his experiences and opinions about teens who use. Then tell him how you feel and what you expect from him. Try to be warm but firm.

For example, to support a no-use policy, you might say:

"I'm not trying to ruin your fun. I love you and I want you to stay healthy. The best way to do that is to stay completely away from drugs and alcohol. I need you to promise that you will."

"I realize there's a lot of temptation out there. I also know you're a really smart, strong person. That's why I expect you to stay clean — no matter what your friends are doing. Agreed?"

"There's a lot of new science about teens, drugs and alcohol. It scares me to know how easily you could damage your brain or get addicted. I want your word that you'll steer clear of all that, and keep me in the loop on the kids you hang out with, too."

Keep in mind that kids who learn about the risks of drugs from their parents are up to 50% less likely to use than those who don't get that message at home. So, while your chats may not be without their awkward moments, they're definitely worth it.

Good luck!
Joe Keenan
Father of two teenage daughters

P.S. Wondering what to say if your child asks,"Have you ever done drugs?" Well here are some thoughts on that one.

Nice to see you

2011-01-26T04:06:00.000-08:00

Image credit: Sonya Thesing, listening to the wind

Listening...Without a listener, the healing [learning] process is aborted. Human beings like plants that bend toward the sunlight, bend toward others in an innate healing way. There are times being listened to is more critical than being fed. -Miriam Greenspan

I recently listened to a mom talk about frustrations with her teen-aged son, issues familiar to my past and likely your day-to-day challenges. Like this mom, in my past habitual ways of relating, I often thought I needed to quiz my child when I picked them up from school or when they got home, to engage a conversation about what happened.

I was curious and interested in what would be said. I acted like a full-time monitor of my child's life. "How did you do on your test?" "Did (friend) sit next to you in lunch?" "Did you remember your book (mittens, backpack, permission slip)?" "What did your teacher say?" My child usually offered one word answers or grew quiet.

Then I learned a new tool. It's simple.

When I my child gets into the car, or walks into the house, I make a point to give eye contact and a smile, and say, "Nice to see you." Then I close my mouth.

At first there was silence. Then my child would begin to talk. I learned that when my child talks (or any other person), I have a very important job. To listen from my heart. Depending on your comfort level, acknowledgment of being heard can come in the form of a gentle nod, smile, simple words like "ah, oh, hmmmmm" or quiet. At the end I say, "Thanks for sharing that" or "I can tell you had a rich day."

If I listen, my child's life is more visible.

(Note: Nice to see you. This is my first post since being diagnosed with Follicular Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, stage IIIa, grade 2 and beginning treatment. Thank you for your messages. I am listening. I'll share my lessons related to parenting and life as they become visible to me. My heart is full.)

What I want to enlarge in my life, I must practice

2011-01-07T05:51:00.001-08:00

Image credit: Sunrise in Santa Fe, NM by Annie Whitney

There are many ways we can practice kindness with our children. My Mom taught my sisters and me to pick wildflower bouquets at dawn. We tied the stems with a ribbon bow and hung it onto a doorknob of a neighbor's home. Sometimes we rang the bell and ran like the dickens to hide and watch the surprise.

Or we can model opening the door for a stranger at the market or simply smiling at others.

A way to become aware of our inner kindness is to invite your children to notice their breath. Tell them that their breath has been with them since birth and will be with them all the days they live. "When I am feeling upset or happy inside, I remember my breath."

I then say something like this, "My breath breathes me. My breath reminds me that I have love and kindness inside of me. When I send the energy of love and compassion to another person, it doesn't matter if they know I am sending it. The important thing is that the energy is there and the heart of love is there and is being sent out into the world. If you practice sending love outward, you may notice a change in our own heart, much like the sun gives energy and causes a flower to bloom."

A parenting tool for the top of your list

2011-01-06T03:31:00.000-08:00

I spent several hours participating in a New Year's Day workshop thinking about and documenting how I want to live my days and get the most out of my experiences. It was wonderful--I recommend it! The process was reflective-- I listed my gratitudes, triumphs, and challenges from the past year. Then I wrote my intentions and captured the way I'll aspire to live using word describers. I list them below.Try this with your children. You don't have to wait for the new year. It's a great way to reflect on the week.

Then teach your children to make up short affirmations to support their intentions. Below are some affirmations for daily activities I practice. They might inspire you to write your own.

Guiding Words (how I intend or aspire to live)

love
curiosity
wide-eyed
reverent
graceful conciliation
equilibrium
present
like a tree
commitment
rigor
vigor
tranquil
luminous
smile (at fear)
compassionate
elegance
emerge
friendliness (with all aspects of myself and life)
open
warm
tender
softness
focus
gentleness
uplifted
connected
spacious
fresh
hopeful
doubtlessness
joy

Affirmations for Daily Activities

Waking up

Waking up this morning, I smile.

Twenty-four brand new hours are before me.

I vow to live fully in each moment

and to look at all beings with compassion.

Looking in the Mirror

Awareness is a mirror

Beauty is a heart that generates love

and a mind that is open.

Turning on the Water

Water flows from high in the mountains.

Water runs deep in the Earth.

Miraculously, water comes to us

and sustains all life.

Washing Hands

Water flows over these hands.

May I use them skillfully

to preserve our precious planet.

Brushing Teeth

Brushing my teeth and rinsing my mouth,

I vow to speak purely and lovingly.

When my mouth is fragrant with right speech,

A flower blooms in the garden of my heart.

Getting Dressed

Putting on these clothes,

I am grateful to those who made them

and to the materials from which they were made.

Hugging Meditation

Breathing in, I am so happy to hug (my child, friend, partner).

Breathing out, I know she/he is real and alive in my arms.

Sweeping

As I carefully sweep the ground of awareness,

a tree of understanding springs up

Cleaning the Bathroom

How wonderful it is to scrub and clean.

Day by day, the heart and mind grow clearer.

Walking Mediation

The mind can go in a thousand directions.

But on this beautiful path, I walk in peace.

With each step, a cool breeze blows.

With each step, a tree branch sways.

With each step, a flower blooms.

Washing Vegetables

In these fresh vegetables

I see a golden sun.

All life joins together.

Throwing out the Garbage

In the garbage I see a rose.

In a rose, I see the garbage.

Everything is in transformation.

Even permanence is impermanent.

Collected from Present Moment, Wonderful Moment (Berkeley, Ca: Parallax Press, 1991) and Plum Village Chanting and Recitation Book. Adapted to my meditations.

When Emily visits we make something

2010-12-23T10:54:00.000-08:00

My niece Emily visited a few weekends ago. I enjoy her visits for all the things I love about being with her and also because we spend time making something together. This year we made paper cranes. Other times we've folded and cut complex snowflakes, formed clay face ornaments of favorite people.

In this 5 minute video, Renate Hiller talks about the importance of creating with our hands. Watching Renate brought back memories of my undergraduate fiber work (weaving, applique) and handwork sessions with others. I thought about my friend Cindy Pitt who organized a weekly, creative sewing group with several moms.

My Gram Steggles taught me to tat (make lace) when I was about 12 years old. She also taught me how to make stews. As a parent with young children, I invited lady friend neighbors over to dye fibers and make baskets. Sometimes we batiked designs using fragrant beeswax. Today friend Lily Sloan wears a short, orange scarf of thick, soft yarn. I ask, "How did you make that?" Lily smiles and tells me, "It's crochet. I found the yarn and buttons. I just made it up." It wraps around her neck and hooks creatively with several different found buttons on a diagonal.

What handwork are you creating on your own or with your children during the holidays?

A lifesaver: the Positive Discipline Network

2010-12-18T11:14:00.000-08:00

Image: Deena Lang, a lifesaver!

Jane Nelsen has a new parenting workbook and provides a download of the first chapter to subscribers to her website called Positive Discipline Network. It's a place to share information with other parents, view Jane's workshop schedule, and find various parenting resources. I recommend signing up!

Here is a sample of information from the Network. She suggests role-playing each with other parents and even your children.

Practice asking versus telling a child to do something.

Telling: Go brush your teeth
Asking: What do you need to do so your teeth don't feel fuzzy?

Telling: Don't forget your coat.
Asking: What are you taking so you won't be cold outside?

Telling: Do your homework.
Asking: What's your plan for doing your homework?

Telling: Stop fighting with your brother.
Asking: How can you and your brother solve this problem?

Telling: Put your dishes in the dishwasher
Asking: What did we decide about what to do with our dishes when we have finished eating?

Telling: Hurry up and get dressed or you'll miss the bus.
Asking: What can you do so you will catch the bus on time?

Telling: Stop whining.
Asking: What words can you use so I can hear you?

Asking: Pick up your toys.
Tellling: What is your responsibility when you are finished playing with your toys?

Things in my holiday toolbox

2010-12-17T12:11:00.000-08:00

Image: Great niece Brooke, held by Grandmother Sher. Brooke gestures to Mom Crystal, "I don't want to go see that big man with the red suit." (Mom listened.)

An eye pillow

Take five minutes to lie down. Place eye pillow and take deep breaths.

A balance ring

It looks just like a level! I wear this ring to remind me to live my day with balance, taking for myself and giving to my family, work with play, time with children and time with my partner.

A banana

Mindfully take a bite of the banana. Chew slowly. Breathe in deeply and then out while saying yummmmmmmm. Next bite, the same thing.

My favorite dish soap

If worrying and feeling overwhelmed, choose to let go --Think, “I choose to stop this thought!" Trust that all is well. Then do the dishes.

Start a “favorite pages” book.

Copy and bind (staple) favorite literature pages to carry with you.

Your child’s picture

Glue it on a piece of paper. Remember and write down positive recent memories all around the picture.

What I like about you.

Listen to the Romantics song, “What I like about you” while listing the important people in your life and something you love about each person.

A piece of paper that says “Do a smile experiment”

When you’re at the airport (or grocery store) seek out eyes of other parents. Make eye contact and then let your eyes light up as you smile from your heart. This is a way to practice humanizing people. Another parent becomes more real and in focus as someone who has similar joys, sorrows, or frustrations. It's a way to gain insight into the sameness we share with all others. It's a way to look beyond the body and into the essence of a person.

Gratitude pouch

Read all of the gratitudes you’ve written and placed in your pouch.

Touchstone

Put a small stone in your pocket. Stick your hand in your pocket and hold the stone as a reminder that all is well.

Colored string or yarn

Invite another parent to make a friendship bracelet with you. Tie it on your wrist as a reminder that all parents are connected in the parenting journey.

A feather

As a reminder to be gentle with yourself when you mess up in parenting. We get many opportunities to try, try again. Parenting is practice towards progress!

Journal

Journal the things that happened today and how you feel about it.

Have a book making party

Make little books and pass them around at the larger family gathering. Write messages of friendship to each other.

Fold hope into a paper crane.

Fold a paper crane while making a wish. Give it and the wish away to another.

Mom - hand making a heart shape

2010-12-13T18:37:00.000-08:00

Wooksang and his daughter

A still from Mom

If you read this blog, you've seen photographs of my friend Wooksang's children. From afar I watch Wooksang interact with his children or his students and immediately recognize him as a person who is friendly with his own feelings and because of that, connected to the people he loves and cares about. Even in a group he stands out--I saw a recent picture of a large group and in it are two people sitting next to each other making a heart shape by cupping their hands together. It is Wooksang and one of his students.

I'm just now realizing the breadth of Wooksang's humility and commitment to his family. Colorful pictures of his children's drawings or playful games, inside and out, are posted in FB albums. I see Wooksang as a Dad who works in between the time he gives to his wife and children.

I discovered a link to a news article about his digital animation film titled Mom. It's a story about his mom who deeply missed her mother. His film is on view at Siggraph Asia and the focus of a December 14, 2010 article in the Korean JoongAng Daily in association with the International Herald Tribune. It says, "Of the many experienced digital artists taking part in Siggraph Asia, artist-director Chang Wook-sang is perhaps one of the best known Koreans in the industry. He was the technical director for Blue Sky Studios’ 2002 blockbuster Ice Age and the lead lighting artists for Dreamworks’ 2003 feature animation Sinbad.

Chang is currently a professor at Chung-Ang University’s Graduate School of Advanced Imaging Science, Multimedia & Film, which is responsible for recent animations Mom and Rail." The interviewer asks Wooksang what Mom is about. Wooksang says, "Everything started when my grandmother passed away. (After observing my mother’s loneliness), I began to question what she was feeling. That’s how the idea for Mom took off."

Wooksang's film reminds me of the difference we make in each others' lives by sharing stories and experiences. I believe that our real purpose is to make that difference. It doesn't have to be a big difference--a smile given can change an outlook, a hand-cupped heart with another says we're more than faces. Or, a film about loss, loneliness, and love crosses cultures and reminds us that we are one human family.

Today, Pearl Harbor Day, ask "What if we lived under the Great Law?"

2010-12-07T05:37:00.000-08:00

Image Credit

My husband who has been traveling, arrived home last evening. When I awoke, a late St. Nicholas present was propped against my shoe: Oliver Sacks' new book, The Mind's Eye. Storyteller Sacks explores paradoxes while considering fundamental questions such as "how do we see" and "how do we think." His books are a testament to the complexity of vision and brain and to the power of creativity.

This St. Nicholas Day gift brought back a classroom memory. I was working at the Center Montessori School in Bradenton, Florida teaching 9-12 year olds. I was reading Sacks' book, The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat and shared a story during circle. I told the children about Sacks' patient Dr. P and how he grasped his wife's head and mistook it for a hat! Dr. P. showed indifference to his visual mistakes which brought a little more levity to the story and ignited a creative drawing and writing idea. To give a little more context, the children were also writing plant and animal narratives from their botany and zoology studies. They were familiar with the phyla characteristics of the plant and animal kingdoms.

I asked, "Let's imagine we can redesign our bodies. How might we look and function?" One child said, "Adults would have eyes on their knees to better see and understand how it is to be a child." This student later drew elaborate eyes on a human's knees along with pads and glasses to protect her from a fall. Another student created a human with a natural bioluminescence glow for walking in the dark. That brought a question from a fellow student, "How would you fall asleep at night?" The creator responded, "By being still!" Another drawing showed a human with flagella appendages. At the end of each was an ear! A human could move an ear close to a person or thing to listen better.

If I was in the classroom today, December 7, I'd tell them a Pearl Harbor story. After giving time to remember those who died at Pearl Harbor, I'd invite creative thinking to imagine a non-violent response to the people of Japan. I'd give them the imaginative power of having nuclear capabilities as our country does and use integrative power (acting from the mind and heart) to assemble a group of people to decide how to use their anger creatively in response to this event. I wonder what they'd come up with.

If they lived in the 1600s, and were aware of the leadership and work of William Penn and his spiritual adviser George Fox (founder of the Society of Friends) and The Great Law established at this time, this assignment would have an interesting challenge. The Great Law abolished war on December 7, 1862.

Keeping the lights on for Day Without Art to create caring conversations

2010-12-01T13:27:00.001-08:00

Image: Kenny Scharf paints mural with high school students, "Hope." The John and Mable Ringling Museum of Art

Today is Day With Art and World AIDS Day. It is a ripe opportunity to have conversations with your children about this disease. It's an opportunity to practice what we might say to people with serious illness.

Twenty years ago I worked with a team of museum educators and community members at the John and Mable Ringling Museum of Art in Sarasota, Florida to create an event for Day Without Art (DWA). DWA began a year earlier on December 1, 1989 as the national day of action and mourning in response to the AIDS crisis. To make the public aware that AIDS can touch everyone and inspire positive action, art and AIDS groups participated in the first Day Without Art by shutting down museums, turning lights out in galleries.

Our team chose not to turn the lights out.

Yes, we wanted to remember those who had died. Even more, we wanted to turn lights on as a metaphor for opening our eyes to learn about this disease. Education would be the way to help prevent others from becoming HIV positive. We created an event with this goal in mind: what could we do to reduce the number of people who would become HIV positive? And, who should sit at the table to help us achieve our goal?

What did we do? I'm recalling this from memory, not notes. To remember those who died (and many of these people were artists), we shrouded the life-size reproduction of Michelangelo's David in the Museum Courtyard. In that courtyard, we staged an event. We decided to invite high school students (800) from area schools to a presentation and concert. People stood up for one minute to make an AIDS awareness statement. The Museum director, governor (Lawton Chiles sent his message to be read), Museum Board Members (Katherine Harris), people with AIDS (a nurse who was infected by a needle at work, and a gay man) and their caregivers, the lead singer of AC-DC, a lawyer, healthcare professionals, insurance company owners, policy makers, teachers, students, others.

Earlier in the week, high school students worked with artist Kenny Scharf, friend and roommate of artist Keith Haring who died of AIDS. Kenny worked with a teen representative from each of the local high schools to paint a mural together. The theme was hope. The mural (see detail above) is part of the museum's collection.

For either this program or a subsequent one (my memory), on the mall of the museum which abuts highway 41 were 873 stakes: the number of people who were known to be HIV positive in Florida at the time. The stakes were colorfully painted by students and tags were hung on each. On the tags were questions elementary students said they wanted to ask people who had AIDS. The stakes were made by high school students with hope for those living with AIDS. It was such a colorful display that it was the front page picture and story in our local newspaper. Twice during the day, a helicopter flew over to photograph the scene, people reading the tags.

During the planning of this program, a county school administrator called to ask me a hard question. She asked what right I had to work with county students on sexual issues. This question came during a time when teachers were hesitant to discuss AIDS with their students. AIDS was a controversial topic. I invited this person to attend the program.

I was grateful for the question because it gave me a chance to share what we were doing and why. I explained that we were not teaching sex education. What we hoped to do was start caring conversations. Even K-2 graders are able to practice talking to someone with a serious illness. "How are you feeling?" a child wrote on one of the cards. "I want to hug you," another child wrote. "What can I do to help you?" "Do you have a baby sister?"

After the one minute talks in the courtyard, a band comprised of students from the Ringling School played. People danced. I danced with the beautiful gay man with AIDS. He had such hope about living with his disease even though his day-to-day living was compromised! The following year, we had another program. He did not live to attend.

A BIG twist on Chicken Little, some read out loud fun

2010-11-30T13:19:00.000-08:00

Chicken Big written and illustrated by Keith Grayes is a book you might want to read out loud to your child or grandchild.

An Amazon.com reviewer writes:
On a teeny little farm, in an itty-bitty coop, a very small hen laid a big, giant egg. And out of this egg came one big, humongous . . . something. "It's big!" clucked the little rooster. "It's enormous!" clucked the small chicken. "It's an elephant!" peeped the smallest chicken. "Run for your lives!" they cried. No matter how they try, these clueless chickens can't make sense of the gigantic new member of their family until he saves the day. With wacky, laugh-out- loud humor and silliness to spare, this BIG twist on the classic Chicken Little story lends a whole new perspective to what it means to be chicken.

Another reviewer writes:

There are numerous lessons you can pull from this delightful book; not judging someone by how they look, empathy, character, life cycle of a chicken, weather, seasons and science, etc. This would be a great present for kids 2-8 yrs old (probably closer to 4-8 but my 2 year old LOVES this story). It's a fantastic fun read-a-loud and one of my kiddo's new favorites.

A Goodreads reviewer (Pam T.) writes:

THE SKINNY
The artwork in Chicken Big is great fun. The expressions on the birds are priceless.

I really like that this isn't some vacuous story. There are actually some real good ideas to consider here.

After we read the book through twice in a row, we talked about where the chickens had gone wrong. That they had jumped to conclusions without enough information. It was an opportunity for me to give my 'scientific method' and 'logic' pitch. After which we talked about how we should give others a fair chance before labeling them based on how they look.

Don't worry though if your children are younger. Chicken Big is a great read-aloud and they'll enjoy it for the zany characters and artwork.

For teachers who want to add it to their classrooms, or parents looking for a book for their children to practice reading, Chicken Big is written at the 2.7 AR level.

Using stories to help our children channel anger into creative action to help others

2010-11-28T08:25:00.001-08:00

WASTE LAND Official Trailer from Almega Projects on Vimeo.

What I really want to do is to be able to change the lives of a group of people with the same materials they deal with everyday. Vic Muniz, contemporary artist

I feel a responsibility to find positive, alternative stories to tell my children and grandchildren. I specifically look for ways others use anger creatively. I believe that I (and others) have choices about what to do with anger.

Instead of acting on anger, I can channel my anger into creative action. In the words of a Freedom Rides participant, "You feel the pain, but you don't become bitter, you don't become hostile...you sort of lose yourself...you become involved in the circumstances of others." I like that quote because it reminds me to get friendly with anger and other uncomfortable feelings as a way to transform its inherent energy into something positive or helpful.

I found an example of a story I could share in an independent film on the ITVS website. The film is Waste Land and it's directed by Lucy Walker (Blindside; Countdown to Zero). While watching, I felt that I was peering into the depths of human nature (ourselves) and saw what is good in the midst of what is discouraging.

Waste Land tells an alternative tale of artist Vik Muniz and his journey to the largest landfill in the world to work with a community of people called catadores — pickers of recyclable materials — to create enormous portraits of them out of the materials they collect. Amid the rubbish, Muniz encounters a group of inspiring characters that dare to re-imagine their lives through the creation of masterful works of contemporary art. Muniz portraits were assembled into a traveling exhibition called “Pictures of Garbage”created in collaboration with the garbage pickers' collective of Jardim Gramacho, a 321-acre open-air dump just outside Rio that is one of the largest landfills in Latin America.

Muniz gives proceeds from sold portraits to the people who posed for them and to the collective the catadores belong. This informal workforce of catadores is the reason Brazil, with only a few municipal recycling programs, manages to reclaim a huge percentage of its trash, said Sonia Dias, the waste-picker specialist for Wiego, a global policy research group. Another positive outcome of Muniz's work: this summer Brazil passed a law to eradicate open dumps and integrate the catadores into the recycling industry.

Among many other accolades, Waste Land received Audience Awards at the Sundance and Berlin Film Festivals as well as the Full Frame Documentary Film Festival. Read more about Waste Land and Muniz in "Where Art Meets Trash and Transforms Life (New York Times)" by clicking here.

You'll want to do this.

2010-11-19T17:31:00.000-08:00

Image: My mom getting a kiss from her dog Skeez while filming grandchildren swimming. About 1981.

Are you looking for a special holiday idea? Here is one I've tried and highly recommend. Interview and record a loved one's story.

StoryCorps is a nonprofit organization that provides help to do this. The heart of StoryCorps is a conversation between two people who are important to each other: a son asking his mother about her childhood, an immigrant telling his friend about coming to America, a father telling his daughter about his meaningful lessons, or a couple reminiscing on their 50th wedding anniversary. By helping people to connect, and to talk about the questions that matter, the StoryCorps experience is powerful and sometimes even life-changing.

How do you do it? If you record your experience or simply create one, here are a few questions to get you started and a link to questions under headings (for anyone, friends or colleagues, grandparents, raising children, parents, growing up, love and relationships, marriage and partnerships, working, religion, serious illness, family heritage, war, remembering a loved one).

In 2008 StoryCorps designated the day after Thanksgiving as a just right time to do this activity. November 26, 2010 is the day that stories will be told all over the country on the new holiday called The National Day of Listening. The organization invites Americans to take an hour to record an interview with a loved one, using recording equipment that is readily available in most homes, such as computers, iPhones, and tape recorders, along with StoryCorps’ free Do-It-Yourself Instruction Guide. StoryKits are also available along with a downloadable do-it-yourself guide.

StoryCorps also invites you to share your story in a sound booth at one of their locations.

Doing the mashed potatoes. If you know what this is, you're from my generation.

2010-11-15T09:14:00.001-08:00

I'm still imagining some fun movement activities to do with children.

Here is a movement memory. A favorite thing I did with my five sisters when we went out to dinner at our family's favorite place: dance! We'd all excuse ourselves to go to the bathroom sometime between ordering and its arrival and we'd do the mashed potatoes. At weddings when we dance, we often spontaneously do the mashed potatoes. That may be way too much information.

Sometimes we don't even need a special occasion.

This sure dates me. The idea is fresh though! Just put on some music and start dancing with your children.

Fun indoor games to get the energy out. Share your clap game!

2010-11-14T07:17:00.000-08:00

Oh! Here's a gigantuous way to have fun! Learn, then teach your child or grandchild clap games over the holiday. Or, ask your child to teach you a clap game. Chances are they know one. It's a great way to expend energy when it's too cold to go outside. (Scroll down for two games.)

What inspired this idea?

I attended a marvelous dance workshop for 800 K - 2nd graders this week! Graduate students and their professors at Texas Woman's University (dance department) choreographed and performed an interactive performance that I'm still smiling about. Before entering the auditorium, I could feel the kids' energy.

The children were engaged by dance students positioned throughout the auditorium. The dancers taught a variety of expressive movement and clap games that could be performed in their seats as they waited for the performance to begin and all students to arrive. I marveled at how these children who perhaps spent up to an hour in the school bus driving to the performance were able to get their energy out.

Now I want to teach clap games to our grandchildren at Thanksgiving! A clapping game is (usually) a cooperative (non-competitive) game which is generally played by two players and involves clapping as accompaniment to singing or reciting a rhyme.

Clap games are fun for all ages. I'm inviting adults to teach each other a clap game at your next parent education meeting. I think these games flex my brain neurons and help me stay neurologically agile!

DOUBLE THIS!
This is a fairly straightforward hand clap, more of a chant than a song.

Double, double this this

Double, double that that

Double this

Double that

Double, double this that

On the word:

Double - hands fisted, touch knuckles

this - partners clap palms

that - partners clap back of hands

MISS MARY MAC

1. Miss Mary Mac, Mac, Mac

All dressed in black, black, black,

With silver buttons, buttons, buttons,

All down her back, back, back.

2. She asked her mother, mother, mother,

For fifteen cents, cents, cents,

To see the elephant, elephant, elephant,

Jump over the fence, fence, fence.

3. He jumped so high, high, high,

He reached the sky, sky, sky,

And didn't come back, back, back,

Till the Fourth of July, ly, ly.

Action 1: Chant rhyme doing following actions on the last three words of each line.

Mac - slap knees

Mac - clap own hands

Mac - clap partner's hands

Action 2:

Miss - cross arms and slap own shoulders

Mar - uncross arms and slap thighs

y - clap own hands

Mac - clap right hand with partner

(pause) - clap own hands

Mac - clap left hand with partner

(pause) - clap own hands

Mac - clap partner's hands

Continue the sequence (action 1 or action 2) for remaining verses.

Long term questions to guide our parenting behavior

2010-11-13T06:25:00.000-08:00

I was with a small group of friends who were sharing parenting struggles. One said that her daughter was not doing her chores and was considering a chart with stars. She wondered if it would make her child put dirty clothes in the hamper. Then I listened to another parent talk about her son not doing his homework. Another parent was concerned that her child didn't seem to have friends. These are parents who already have a parenting toolbox of strategies available.

The conversation reminded me of the importance of remembering the big picture of parenting. I recalled one of the first lessons I learned from INCAF parent educator Kathryn Kvols. She said, "Keep the end goal in mind." What this means is when a problem arises, work to solve it from a bigger perspective. For example, in the preschool class when it is time to go outside and coats are needed, we allow time for the children to get their coat off the hook, put it on, and button or zip it up. The end goal was teaching a belief in capability and practice responsibility rather than focusing on just getting the coat zipped. If the goal is to get the coat zipped, an adult might do it for the child rather than allow time to let the child practice the skill.

Looking from a broader perspective changes the language I use and how I employ a parenting tool. Positive Discipline teachers Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott wrote the helpful list of questions included with this post. More information is available in their book, Positive Discipline for Teenagers, CA: Prima Publishing, 2000.

An eagle's soar

2010-11-09T14:01:00.001-08:00

NPR references this 3 year old poet today. I can imagine the times this mom shares with her child reading and performing poetry. I'm smiling the biggest grin.

Fast food marketing to kids works. 84% of parents will take their kids to a fast food restaurant this week.

2010-11-08T06:46:00.000-08:00

Image credit

Dr. Gupta has a new article about fast food marketing to kids. It's on the rise. And it's still unhealthy. I've blogged about this type marketing to kids. Here are images of some of these products and what companies do to entice children.

Yale University's Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity, looked at 12 popular restaurant chains, and out of more than 3,000 kids meal combinations, found only 12 that met the nutritional guidelines for preschool-aged kids.

The worst meal was at Dairy Queen. Numero two? KFC's popcorn chicken kid's meal.

The following information is from Fast Food FACTS

Fast food marketing is relentless.

The fast food industry spent more than $4.2 billion dollars in 2009 on TV advertising and other media.

The average preschooler (2-5 years) saw 2.8 TV ads per day for fast food; children (6-11 years) saw 3.5; and teens (12-17 years) saw 4.7.

Young people's exposure to fast food TV ads has increased. Compared to 2003, preschoolers viewed 21% more fast food ads in 2009, children viewed 34% more, and teens viewed 39% more.

Although McDonald's and Burger King have pledged to improve food marketing to children, they increased their volume of TV advertising from 2007 to 2009. Preschoolers saw 21% more ads for McDonald's and 9% more for Burger King, and children viewed 26% more ads for McDonald's and 10% more for Burger King.

Even though McDonald's and Burger King only showed their "better-for-you" foods in child-targeted marketing, their ads did not encourage consumption of these healthier choices. Instead, child-targeted ads focused on toy giveaways and building brand loyalty.

Children saw more than child-targeted ads. More than 60% of fast food ads viewed by preschoolers and children promoted fast food items other than kids' meals.
Youth-targeted marketing has spread to company websites and other digital media.

McDonald's web-based marketing starts with children as young as age 2 at Ronald.com.

McDonald's and Burger King created sophisticated websites with advergames and virtual worlds to engage children (e.g., McWorld.com, HappyMeal.com, and ClubBK.com).

McDonald's 13 websites got 365,000 unique child visitors and 294,000 unique teen visitors on average each month in 2009.

Nine restaurant Facebook pages had more than one million fans in 2009, and Starbucks' boasted more than 11.3 million.

Smartphone apps were available for eight fast food chains, providing another opportunity to reach young consumers anytime, anywhere.

Fast food marketing also targets teens and ethnic and minority youth - often with less healthy items.

Taco Bell targeted teens in its TV and radio advertising. Dairy Queen, Sonic, and Domino's also reached disproportionately more teens with ads for their desserts and snacks, and Burger King advertised teen-targeted promotions.

Hispanic preschoolers saw 290 Spanish-language fast food TV ads in 2009 and McDonald's was responsible for one-quarter of young people's exposure to Spanish-language fast food advertising.

African American children and teens saw at least 50% more fast food ads on TV in 2009 than their white peers. That translated into twice the number of fast food calories viewed daily compared to white children.

McDonald's and KFC specifically targeted African American youth with TV advertising, targeted websites, and banner ads.

Fast food marketing works.

Eighty-four percent of parents reported taking their child to a fast food restaurant at least once a week; 66% reported going to McDonald's in the past week.

Forty percent of parents reported that their child asks to go to McDonald's at least once a week; 15% of preschoolers ask to go every day.

Most restaurants do offer some healthful and lower-calorie choices on their regular and children's menus, but unhealthy options are the default.

Just 12 of 3,039 possible kids' meal combinations met nutrition criteria for preschoolers; 15 met nutrition criteria for older children.

Just 17% of regular menu items qualified as healthy choices.

Snacks and dessert items contained as many as 1,500 calories, which is five times more than the 200 to 300 calorie snack for active teens recommended by the American Dietetic Association.

The average restaurant had 15 signs promoting specific menu items, but just 4% promoted healthy menu items.

When ordering a kids' meal, restaurant employees at McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's, and Taco Bell automatically served french fries or another unhealthy side dish more than 84% of the time. A soft drink or other unhealthy beverage was served automatically at least 55% of the time.

Subway offered healthy sides and beverages 60% of the time, making it the only fast food restaurant in our study to routinely provide healthy choices.

As a result:

Teens between the ages of 13 and 18 purchased 800 to 1,100 calories in an average fast food visit.
At least 30% of calories in menu items purchased by children and teens were from sugar and saturated fat.

At most restaurants, young people purchased at least half of their maximum daily recommended sodium intake in just one fast food meal.

Teens ordered more fast food than any other age group during non-meal times after school and in the evening.

The dynamic of kindness--Betty, Laura, Michael and Julie

2010-11-07T07:01:00.000-08:00

The determining factor in human life is not the economy but the dynamic of kindness or its opposite. Michael N. Nagler

I'm going to add to yesterday's post, the one where I invited you to join the "smile at strangers" experiment.

I read a story a few weeks ago that I'm still thinking about. It's about the power of kindness--how we treat one another. I keep thinking about the nobility that comes forth when one chooses kindness. Like just a few days ago, high school friend Betty drove a couple states away to pick up and bring a friend to her home so that she could help with her cancer treatment.

Now imagine doing something like this for a stranger. Like when Laura gave Jeanne one of her kidneys when she read about her health situation on a blog. Or let's explore the possibility of choosing kindness (love) over fear in a story Michael N. Nagler tells in his book The Search for a Nonviolent Future: A Promise of Peace for Ourselves, Our Families, and Our World.

The story is about Michael and Julie Weisser, a Jewish couple living in Lincoln, Nebraska. Michael had a prominent job at the synagogue and Julie was a nurse. In 1992 they began receiving threatening phone calls from the Klu Klux Klan. Even though it's illegal, such things still happen. Michael and Julie learned from the police that the person sending the calls was probably Larry Trapp, Grand Dragon or head of the Klan in Lincoln. They knew that Trapp was filled with hatred and that he was wheelchair bound from a beating earlier in his life.

Trapp's calls to the Weissers were threatening. He would shout into the phone that they would be killed, their property destroyed, their family harmed. So one day, Michael with Julie's support, decided that the next time he called, they would wait for a pause and respond back to him.

The Weisser's knew that Larry Trapp had a hard time getting around in his wheelchair so in that pause, Michael offered him a ride to the grocery store! There was a pause and then with anger absent from his voice, Trapp said, "Well, I've got that taken care of, but thanks for asking."

Then Nagler tells us more about the Weissers intent. Michael and Julie wanted more than to stop the harassment. They wanted to help dissolve the prejudice and anger in Larry Trapp. So the Weissers started calling him! They told him things such as that they'd be there to help if he needed it. Then they delivered a home-cooked meal to his home. They got to know one another and eventually, Trapp took off his Nazi ring and gave it to them as a gesture of breaking his association with the Klan's beliefs. There's more. Larry Trapp demonstrated the enormous capacity in the Weisser's act of kindness with this statement, "I denounce everything [the Klu Klux Klan] stands for. But it's not the people in the organizations I hate...If I were to say I hate all Klansmen because they're Klansmen...I would still be a racist." Larry Trapp didn't just replace one prejudice with another, he opened his thinking.

All this, from the Weisser's choice to respond with kindness (love) rather than fear. If the Weisser's can respond to a fear-filled situation with kindness, I can also.

I believe that the best lessons for children come from how we live our lives. I want to remember this in my life. When an experience arouses a fear inside, such as a loved one (child, partner, other)--expressing anger or disagreement or an opposing view or way--I have a choice about my response, and that response is laden with affectivity.

Have you tried this? Lighting up.

2010-11-06T04:55:00.000-07:00

Image credit: Wooksang Chang

I was walking towards my gate at Dallas Fort Worth airport last week when a woman said to me, "I've passed over a hundred people today and you're the first one I've seen who is smiling." Caught.

I do little research experiments at the airport. One is to give eye contact and smile to see if a person smiles back. They usually do. This was the first person to say something in the few years I've been doing this.

Why do I do this? I practice humanizing the people I pass on the street. A person becomes more real and into focus as someone who has joys, sorrows, disappointments--you know what I mean-- just like mine. It's a way to gain insight into the sameness I have with all others.

The other reason I do it is directly related to my classroom experience. A parent educator suggested this tip a when a teacher told about a student acting out with unacceptable behavior. She suggested that the teacher try "lighting up" at first sight of this student. "Find eye contact and then let your eyes light up as you smile from your heart."

Try it with your child or partner. Then join in the experiment. Where ever you go, seek out eyes of strangers. It's a way to look beyond the body that holds the essence of a person. Meeting essence to essence changes my perception which changes my actions. I call a changed perception a little miracle.

Who is the most influential teacher in your life?

2010-11-04T16:42:00.000-07:00

Who is the most influential teacher in your life?

I just read a post titled My teacher Mr. Watson: The one who made writing and just about everything else...fun! on Scholastics On Our Minds Blog. This is one of several posts about his favorite teachers. The blog author writes about his favorite, Mr. Watson, a writing teacher who provided prompts for story writing and general fun class experiences. The song attached to this post is Mr. Sandman. The students would have to clean up the class and be back in their seats before the song ended.

My influential teachers? A couple come to mind. In college, freshman year, a writing teacher--I wish I remembered his name; I can see his face clearly in my mind's eye. 150 students in the class. He invites anyone to write their name on a list for a guaranteed C and never have to come to class again. All but 8 signed that C guarantee list. Anyone who stayed could earn an A, B, C, D, or Fail. No guarantees, except that the class would be challenging and stimulating. It was. I discovered I liked to write, and began to think for myself.

The other influential teacher is Katherine Ux, college design teacher and artist. She taught me to loom weave (she learned from the Navaho). I learned work ethic (40+ weaving hours each week) and meditation (throwing a shuttle is rhythmic and calming).

So, who is your most influential teacher?

Practice saying “no” to friends, and signals

2010-11-03T15:07:00.000-07:00

Image Credit
An important lesson to teach and practice is how to say "no." It's a form of limit-setting we use as parents and hope our children will employ with their friends and others. It only takes a glance at overwhelmed and over-scheduled children (adults) or the dangerous options available to demonstrate the value of practicing saying no.

How to begin?
I envision inviting children to brainstorm ways to say “no” during a class or family meeting. Invite a child or student (if you're a teacher working with a class) to record the suggestions. Then, post them on the refrigerator at home or on a classroom wall at eye level.

Knowing the limits is the first step, practicing use of them is as important.
I teach children to practice limit-setting in a group (circle or family time) or in individual lessons. Develop intonation and inflection practice by saying the words out loud. For example, I say the limit and then ask, “When I said that, did my voice invite you to listen or push you away?"

LIST OF WAYS TO SAY "NO" OR SET LIMITS WITH FRIENDS
This list was composed mostly by kindergarten-aged children. I added some of my ideas to their list.

(To someone who asks to give me a hug) No thanks, not now, maybe later.

I am not ready to have a conversation right now. Maybe later.

That is not an option.

I'm not available to have lunch with you today, are you free (state a time)?

I'm not available for lunch. Thank you for inviting me.

I am unwilling…

I am still waking up. I’ll come be with you when I’m ready to chat.

I am not ready to do that yet.

Your morning energy ran into me. I need time to recover.

I like to come into the classroom (into the kitchen in the morning) without talking. When I’m ready I’ll come be with you.

I’m concentrating and need quiet.

I’m practicing being quiet right now.

Stop please, my ears need to rest.

My ears are tired. I'll be ready to listen in an hour (or state an amount of time).

(To someone who interrupts concentration) Stop, I’m listening to myself right now.

I’m not sure what I want. When I know, I'll tell you.

I need to be alone for a while. I’ll come get you when I’m ready to talk.

No, but I would be willing to…

This is not negotiable.

MORE ABOUT LIMITS
Teach spacial limits. Standing too close to a person infringes on one’s physical space.

Teach fragrance limits. Perfume is not meant to be smelled from across the room.

Teach privacy limits. What I write in my diary is for me and no one else.

Teach peace table limits in the classroom. It’s a one-person activity. The masking tape square that surrounds the peace table defines the “geographical” limit.

Honoring limits is a form of respect.

SIGNALS
Another skill to teach children is to use signals. Practice some sign language words that mean: “Stop,” “I like you, but quiet please,” or “I want to be with you, but I’m reading now,” or “I’m studying,” or “not now, I’m focused.”

Signals work well especially when a new sibling arrives and a parent needs to give more time to the baby. With the sibling, make a special signal such as a peace symbol over the heart so that when occupied with the baby, the parent can give eye contact and the signal. Another idea is to tell your child in a one-on-one quiet time something like this, "I know that baby takes a lot of my time right now. I want you to know that even when I'm busy with sister (or brother), I'm thinking about you."

Signals work in other relationships as well. For example, my husband and I like quiet in the morning and greet each other silently with a smile and hug. Sometimes he makes a motion of drinking from a mug with his hands and I'll blink, smile, and nod gently which means "Yes, I'd love a cup of coffee."

Resource information - Jane Bluestein, Parents, Teens and Boundaries: How to Draw the Line

What makes a good parent? For starters love and affection. But there are a couple surprises.

2010-11-02T13:14:00.000-07:00

Image: My Journey Starts Here (3ricko.wordpress.com)

This weekend I read an article titled "What Makes a Good Parent?" in Scientific American Mind magazine about a new study that compares the effectiveness of parenting practices. It was a study conducted by Professor Robert Epstein and Shannon L. Fox, a University of California, San Diego student. Epstein and Fox compared what experts advise, what really seems to work, and what parents actually do.

The authors report 10 competencies or skills* that predict good parenting outcomes. Of them, they say two are surprising: having a good relationship with the other parent and managing stress.

It makes sense that children benefit both from how you treat them, and how you treat your partner and yourself. Epstein writes, "It is crucial to adhere to practices that do not hurt children: to resolve conflicts out of sight of the children, to apologize to one another and forgive each other (both can be done in front of the kids), to speak kindly about the other parent." About stress, he says, "...[a] parents' ability to manage stress was a good predictor of the quality of their relationship with their kids and also of how happy their children were."

The stress management skill reminds me of the importance to practice being calm. When I'm calm, my child is calm. I've even started deep breathing during a challenging parenting situation and have noticed that it works like contagious laughter: the child calms and the atmosphere changes. It makes sense that Epstein writes, "Keeping calm is probably step one in good parenting."

Another characteristic reported that makes a difference in good parenting is education. This study's data confirms that parents who take parenting classes produce better outcomes with their children than parents who lack training. And more education is better. I'm glad for this one because I recall parents responding to a parent education class announcement with these questions,"Is it for parents of badly-behaved children?" and "Is this for problem children?" Once participating, it doesn't take long for parents to realize that parenting is synonymous with life-long learning.

*The Parents' Ten

1. Love and affection (support, accept, physically affectionate, spend quality time)
2. Stress management (reduce stress in self and child, practice relaxation techniques)
3. Relationship skills (maintain healthy relationship with spouse or co-parent, model effective relating)
4. Autonomy and independence (give respect to child, encourage self-reliance and self-sufficiency)
5. Education and learning (promote and model learning, provide learning opportunities)
6. Life skills (provide for child, have steady income and future plan)
7. Behavior management (make extensive use of positive reinforcement)
8. Health (model healthy lifestyle)
9. Religion (spiritual support and activities)
10. Safety (protect child and maintain awareness of child's activities and friends)

Learning about feelings

2010-10-26T04:59:00.000-07:00

Anyone can become angry—that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way—that is not easy. Aristotle, The Nichomachean Ethics

I shared the following information at a parent meeting after telling a story about a self-aware 6 year old girl who was upset with a pal. Javanhi said, "I'm feeling rude inside my stomach. I don't want to sit next to Julia. I want to hit her. Do you think the peace table will help me?"

I thanked Javanhi for telling me how she felt and complimented her for not acting on her feeling. "Yes, the peace table will help!" I suggested that she look in the mirror to see what anger looks like on her face (there is a mirror at the peace table). I invited her to put her hand on her heart to see if her heart was beating faster (it was). I encouraged her to go to the peace table and tear pages from the phone book and crumple them (used for this purpose) or to breathe in while saying "breathe in" and breathe out while saying "breathe out" several times.

Becoming friendly with all feelings takes effort, time, and practice. Javanhi spent time with her angry feelings, they passed and then she was able to tell Julia how she felt without hitting her. Here's some help in handling feelings:

ABOUT FEELINGS

All feelings are okay. Feelings are not good, bad, right or wrong. Feelings just are.

It is crucial to feel fully, express our feelings appropriately, and then move on.

Become aware of your feelings. It helps to know how our bodies feel when we are emotional and what feelings look like in others.

Emotions are energy and must go somewhere. Emotions not expressed remain as energy in the body and if repressed may come out as over-reactions, sarcastic remarks, passive-aggressive behavior, or remain suppressed and may make us ill.

The way we express feelings matters. For example, it is okay to feel angry and say, “I am angry.” It is not okay to hit someone when feeling angry.

Others can bring forth feelings in us. To explain how this happens, imagine two pianos in the same room. If one key on one piano is struck, for example middle C, a sound will be heard and if you look inside the piano you will see the middle C string vibrating. The middle C string inside the second piano will vibrate even though its key has not been struck. To connect this idea with feelings, imagine your child comes running in from play crying and says his best friend Ben no longer wants to play with him. It can create a sympathetic vibration within you. You may not consciously remember a similar event happening to you, but something starts to vibrate deep inside and causes your harsh feeling. You may admonishingly say, “Quit crying and go back out and play. I’m sure Ben didn’t mean it.” If you have a large emotional investment in your child being or doing a certain thing, check out how it relates to similar experiences from your childhood so that you know the difference between your unresolved emotional business and how to be an effective emotion coach for your child.

Remain aware of feeling stoppers. Examples—scolding, moralizing, being sarcastic, rescuing, ignoring, criticizing, blaming, solving problems, making fun of, laughing at, lecturing, giving advice, humiliating, denying, minimizing, imposing guilt, punishing, interrupting, helping too much).

Use feeling encouragers. Listen intently; say, “tell me more;” affirm the feeling; be empathetic; explore with curiosity—say “tell me more”; encourage by saying something about what is being expressed—“You’re really clear about what you want to happen differently.”

Our feelings are created by our thoughts and beliefs in response to people and events. Become an examiner of your thoughts and beliefs. It is necessary to examine the concepts behind your thoughts and beliefs to be effective in relating. Until this examination, you aren’t relating from yourself to others, you are relating on the basis of unexamined thoughts.

The body is the voice of the mind. It speaks to you in physical movement as muscular contractions – as twitches, twinges, tickles, and tension (to name a few). When you notice a sensation, ask yourself, “What situation or thought is bringing forth this sensation?”

Resources

Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence, 10^th Anniversary Edition, Bantam Books, NY: 2005.

Kathryn Kvols, Redirecting Children’s Behavior, Parenting Press, Inc., Seattle: 1998.

So good. Louv's article results in unlikely partnership

2010-10-24T18:53:00.000-07:00

Image credit: Photograph by Kate Anderson

Do you have a few minutes to read a hopeful article? It's one of my favorites.

Robert Louv, the man who authored Last Child in the Woods, wrote "Leave No Child Inside" for Orion Magazine after his book was released.

Louv tells an audience how as a child he pulled "dozens--perhaps hundreds--of survey stakes in a vain effort to slow the bulldozers that were taking out my woods to make way for a new subdivision." Later he receives an email from a chairman and chief investment officer of one of the nation's largest privately owned residential companies: "I have been reading your new book and am profoundly disturbed by some of the information you present." The article continues with what I call a miracle connection between people from divergent paths and the positive effects of getting kids outdoors more.

Excerpt:
I want you all to go into small groups and solve the problem: how are we going to build communities in the future that actually connect kids with nature?” The room filled with noise and excitement. By the time the groups reassembled to report the ideas they had generated, I had glimpsed the primal power of connecting children and nature: it can inspire unexpected advocates and lure unlikely allies to enter an entirely new place. Call it the doorway effect. Once through the door, they can revisualize seemingly intractable problems and produce solutions they might otherwise never have imagined.

A half hour after Thomas’s challenge, the groups reported their ideas. Among them: leave some land and native habitat in place (that’s a good start); employ green design principles; incorporate nature trails and natural waterways; throw out the conventional covenants and restrictions that discourage or prohibit natural play and rewrite the rules to encourage it; allow kids to build forts and tree houses or plant gardens; and create small, on-site nature centers...

Why children lie, and what can I do?

2010-10-21T13:28:00.000-07:00

Today's smart topic is one that every parent has probably encountered -- lying by their children. When preschoolers lie it's pretty natural and part of their social development. But when teens lie it can lead to serious issues.

Certified positive discipline trainer Dodie Blomberg shares information:

Why do children lie?

They feel trapped
Are scared of punishment
Scared of rejection
Feel threatened
Or think it will be easier for everyone

Let go of punishment as a parenting tool because it invites:

Resentment
Revenge
Rebellion
Retreat
Sneakiness
Reduced self esteem

Keep in mind what you want to grow in your child long term:

Honesty
Problem solving
Asking for help
Trusting relationships
Dependability

Remind children (and ourselves):

Mistakes are simply opportunities to learn
That we are loved and cared about even when we make mistakes

What can I do?

Stop asking set up questions.
Focus on progress not perfection.
Use curiosity questions to solve problems.
Say: “That doesn’t sound like the truth… I am on your side.”
Show appreciation when they tell the truth.
For young children using fabrication, [say] “You are really good at using your imagination! Tell me more.”

Honesty is like a muscle. It must be practiced in a safe setting and in lots of situations to become strong. We need to give our young children lots of safe space to practice honesty because what we really want is teenagers who feel safe coming to us with even tougher situations.

Why Children Lie? written by Quita Jackson

Pema invites us to practice listening

2010-10-17T09:46:00.000-07:00

I'm attending Pema Chodron's meditation retreat this weekend. Yesterday she invited us to practice listening fully and talking genuinely from our heart. I'm sharing the activity here because if you're like me, practicing helps me to be a better partner, mom, and grandmother. I know the struggle to listen and talk openly and honestly and the effort it takes to quiet my mind in order to hear myself or another!

I believe there are no greater gifts we give our children than to listen to them and talk with genuineness. I think it takes tremendous staying power to listen. So I want (and need) to practice. Perhaps it's something you'd like to do at your next parent meeting.

Pema's activity is meant for groups. Here's how it works. A leader invites participants to pair up saying, "Preferably, choose someone you do not know or do not know well. Decide who will be the listener to begin. The listener will ask a question and the answerer will answer. After 4 minutes, I will make a noise. That noise means stop and switch roles." Now, here is the important part, "There's no response from the person listening (which is a good response in itself)."

I realized how much this exercise in listening helps me become familiar with habitual responses! I get to practice not fixing another, or composing my own story line while another is talking (and I'm pretend listening), or zoning out if what the person says is too hard to bear. The goal is to be there and listen. When it's my turn to talk, I get to practice talking from my heart (not necessarily disclosing secrets). Genuine talk.

The leader says, "The conversation does not begin until you find a partner and you can see I am skillfully not giving you the question you will talk about yet. To be clear, because the tendency is to talk to each other, the listener just listens and doesn't say anything. Now that we're ready, here is the question: What are you afraid of?"

Participants begin the practice.

After 4 minutes, a noise to stop is made by the leader and participants shift roles.

Another 4 minutes of listening and genuine talk practice.

Conclude by offering 3 minutes for both to say whatever needs to be said.

Chicken goop for dinner?

2010-10-14T05:53:00.001-07:00

Do you think this is a picture of soft-serve yogurt? Guess again.

It's chicken nuggets.

Stories and pictures of fast food hamburgers not decomposing are making the internet rounds again. So, I thought I'd throw chicken nuggets into the discussion heap. There’s a statement circulating with the picture that says "because the mixture is crawling with bacteria, it will be washed with ammonia, soaked in it, actually. Then, because it tastes gross, it will be re-flavored artificially. Then, because it is weirdly pink, it will be dyed with artificial color." The industry says the ammonia soaking part is illegal and not done. Fast Food Nation includes chapters on artificial flavoring and colors. What I can throw into the mix: the chicken nuggets from my fast food collection don't biodegrade (mine are about 3 years old).

The chicken goop picture encourages me to learn more about food. This 8 minute interview with Robert Kenner, the director of Food, Inc., and Michael Pollen, author of The Omnivore's Dilema and other books, presents a lucid overview of the challenges we face to feed our families.

Expanding vocabulary one word a day

2010-10-13T08:32:00.000-07:00

Outside my window perched on a branch, a Cedar Waxwing lands with its gamboge tail tip pointing at me.

I subscribe to Wordsmith. Getting a word a day along with an audio pronunciation reminds me of sitting in circle with preschoolers while waiting for classmates to arrive. A fun activity was for a child to get a dictionary (a child's edition). She'd close her eyes and open the book and point. Then eyes open to learn a new word!

So do this with your child. "Oh look, Wordsmith arrived. Let's learn a new word and use it today." There are other links such as a visual thesaurus which works well for today's word: gamboge.

Hey Mom, look! Gamboge in the sunset. Dad, the mustard is gamboge. The sun coming up, but where is gamboge? That yellow is too light to be gamboge. Does that tree have gamboge sap?

To subscribe to Wordsmith:
Send an email to wsmith@wordsmith.org with the subject line as: subscribe your name
(message body is ignored).

Passing forward Jeanne Desy's abundance lesson

2010-10-11T07:57:00.000-07:00

Columbus neighbor and friend Jeanne Desy is driving to the hospital as I write this. On the way she'll pick up Laura Brown and they both will check into the hospital for surgery that is scheduled for tomorrow. Jeanne writes on her blog "People are rightly stunned to think that someone would undergo surgery and give a kidney to someone who is not a beloved relative, but (until now) a virtual stranger. So am I, over and over."

So I'm thinking about Jeanne and Laura and the affect of Laura's gift and Jeanne's teachings. Especially about gratitude and abundance.

Gratitude is a daily practice. If you're like me and other parents, I have thoughts that are clearly judgmental either about myself or another. It's not easy to admit this. I'm learning how to interrupt judgmental thoughts with thoughts of kindness. It's worth the effort. Even silently observing my child (or another) and wishing she or he were different creates negativity that radiates out. That sure makes sense. Because I'm saying nothing might make it easy to pretend that my behavior isn't hurting anyone.

Jeanne's blog post titled Abundance offers a way to practice awareness and gratitude. Jeanne invites us to look at our meal today and name the people who contributed and the things that happened for this meal to reach the table. It's like a mini-practice of other gifts we can give and will receive. Laura and Jeanne open my capacity to practice loving kindness in my life today.

When you take your moment of silence before enjoying that meal, add Jeanne and Laura's swift recovery to your wishes.

Harnessing a remarkable date to become aware of the Goldilocks zone

2010-10-09T10:08:00.000-07:00

Did you read about the discovery of the Goldilocks planet this week? It's not too hot, not too cold; it's just right for harboring life. I'm exploring it as a theme with teacher Becky Klett, and as a reminder of the importance of living in balance. This theme means a lot to me personally--how I care for myself directly impacts the quality of my life and what I give others. It also takes on larger meaning as groups around the world use 10.10.10 as a day to do something helpful.

I strive for a Goldilocks balance in my schedule--not doing too much, nor too little. I think about what is "just right" for me. This week that means I especially want to be part of doing something environmentally supportive so I'll join others to clean up the woods and greenway in our neighborhood. Neighbor Lily Sloan and I organized an hour of volunteerism in collaboration with Keep Denton Beautiful as a way to meet our neighbors and learn more about the precious green space we share. It's one of many ways to become aware of the just right conditions of biodiversity in our backyards, and ultimately what creates a thriving, healthy planet.

I'm also attending an online weekend retreat with Pema Chodron. She's calling it, Smiling at Fear. Attending online will help create and support a meditative place in our home, plus I like the idea of becoming friendly with fear! I believe that difficult situations are opportunities to awaken bravery while cultivating gentleness and strength. Lessons about facing fear are helpful anytime, and seem just right given the current chaos and challenging economic and environmental crisis around the world. I see now as a time to work towards a deeper transformation in my life in community with others. Whenever I see where I want things to be different or better, I start with myself.

So, tomorrow is the beginning of a new week and a day with a remarkable calendar date: 10.10.10. It can be harnessed for momentum toward doing something helpful. I envision a breadth of activities to do with children around themes of balance, generosity, and bravery. What will you do? What do you need to do (or not do) to make your life just right?

A movie for date night, and a reminder to live life full, now

2010-10-06T14:26:00.000-07:00

Click here to watch the 2 minute trailer.

It's Wednesday and not quite date-night Friday. Yet, I can't wait until the weekend to recommend this movie. It's a 2004 pick and a winner of a Best Foreign Film award so perhaps you're way ahead of me and it's already one of your favorites.

In "As it is in Heaven" Daniel Dareus, a talented and successful international conductor, suddenly interrupts his career and returns alone to his childhood village in northern Sweden. It doesn't take long before he is asked to come and listen to the fragment of a church choir, which practices every Thursday. Daniel says yes and from that moment, nothing in the village is the same again. There is a beautiful song in the film with these lines that remind me how to live:

It is now that life is here and now that my life is mine. My longing has brought me here, all I lacked and all I gained.

I watched, then took a walk in the woods, opened my mouth and heart and let my voice ring out. I can hear other voices join in.

Order the movie from Netflix or Amazon.

Having big conversations, like about the birds and bees--literally

2010-10-04T04:45:00.000-07:00

Recently a mom shared a conversation she had with her daughter. This mom happened to be a month away from delivery and she was talking to her oldest daughter who is about 8 or 9 years old. There are several other children in the family. Mom said as she greeted me, "Well, my daughter knows about the birds and bees now."

This is what daughter said to mom that started the conversation, "I'm mad at you for having a another baby. Why did you do this?" Mom replied, "Well, I'm not the only one. Dad and I made this baby together." Then her daughter asked, "How?" Gulp.

The Mom said that over the last few years she's shared information about sexuality, body parts, and how a baby develops. She went on to describe the conversation they had about how a baby is made using specific vocabulary with an explanation appropriate to her age.

"I was prepared! But, you should have seen her face. My daughter's mouth dropped open in shock, 'That's disgusting Mom! Does Dad go to the bathroom inside of you, too?'" There was more explanation how that doesn't happen!

I recalled this story when I read Sandy Steingraber's article in Orion magazine titled "The Big Talk." She tells us that she had the big sex talk with her children, and realizes there is another one. The one about climate change. This article is about her struggle to figure out how to tell a six year old where all the birds and bees have gone. Scientist and author Steingraber thinks a lot about children; her book Having Faith is written for pregnant couples or those planning to become pregnant.

Concerning climate change, Steingraber believes "frightening problems need to be solved by adults who should just shut up and get to work." And then she writes about a few things that happened with her 7 and 9 year old children that cause her to think it's time to figure out what to tell them. To give you a hint, just like the sex talk, if you don't give them information, other people will, which could either frighten or misinform them.

Listen to a Steingraber in conversation about this article here.

Using contemporary art to foster conversations

2010-10-03T12:35:00.001-07:00

Image credit: Martin Puryear. Ladder for Booker T. Washington, 1996. Wood (maple and ash), 432 inches x 22-3/4 inches x (narrowing to 1-1/4 at top x 3 in.). Forth Worth Modern Museum of Art. Note: though the ladder appears to rest on the ground, it is suspended. The larger end is 3 feet above the ground and rises up.

This post might inspire a classroom lesson, dinner conversation, or a visit to a contemporary museum. Begin by looking at this image and ask, "What do you see?" This question invites description and listening to each other, and that's important because we see different things. We bring a variety of life experiences and awareness forward when we say out loud what we see. Spending time on description prepares us for the second question, "What is it about?" Answering the second question is an exploration in interpretation, multiple interpretations and a worthy lesson in itself.

I'm writing about this now because last weekend I participated in a poetry lesson held at the University of New Mexico and led by Valerie Martinez, poet laureate of Santa Fe. It was a "story-telling experiment. The exercise was oral, written, visual, and performative. She asked us to individually and communally explore the story behind the image and relate that story to our own lives. One aspect of the excise was called "looping." This is what she did, the best I can recall.

We entered the room and found a ladder form made with painter's tape on the floor. She asked us each to take a place on the ladder. We did. Then she invited us to say our name and make a statement about why we chose the place we stood. Some stood on the edge, some in the middle on an imagined fulcrum. One person straddled the edge. Another stood on the bottom rung while a few brave ones held on with tip toes as if ready to leap off the simulated ladder. Then we returned to our seats to begin writing.

Valerie invited us to get comfortable, and said, "Don't worry about what you write. Let your writing take you in" and then she gave us this prompt:

When I open my mouth.
When I don't.

(Isn't that a loaded prompt?)

She said to begin writing without stopping. "Write whatever comes. If you stop, keep writing the word that you stop on over and over until something comes." We wrote for about 5-7 minutes. When time was up, she said, "Stop. Read over what you just wrote. Find the most interesting combination of words and underline or circle them. Drop down two spaces and copy those words exactly and begin free writing again using those words as a prompt. Write until I tell you to stop."

We wrote. She said, "Stop. Find the most compelling phrase or words and underline or circle them. Drop down two spaces and begin writing again." We did this 3 times.

Then from that last writing we chose one line or phrase, the most poignant, rich or fun combination of words. We wrote our selection on a strip of paper. Then one person read his/her line and taped it to the wall. Whoever felt their line was next, read and then taped it to the wall. We continued until each person's line had a place on the wall. As a group performance, we read the entire poem with fluidity and expression, each line read by its composer.

Resources to build on this exercise:
Barrett, Terry. Making Art: Form and Meaning, Chapter 2, Meanings and Interpretations, p. 32 - 33. New York: McGraw-Hill. 2011.
Tarkington, Booth. "Freedom of Speech." Saturday Evening Post Essay. February 20, 1943.
Washington, Booker T. Up From Slavery: An Autobiography. 1856-1915.

I did a Singapore math doubletake

2010-10-02T03:59:00.000-07:00

I did a double-take when I read the #1 most read New York Times article this morning. This picture of children working with Singapore math boards looks a lot like Montessori's math materials! Then I read the article and saw philosophical connections (all children learn differently, let kids think, visual and hands-on aids to support varying learning styles) and how success of Singapore math depends on teacher training ("about a dozen schools had started and dropped Singapore math, in some cases because teachers themselves lacked a strong math background and adequate training in the program"). I can envision Montessori teachers world-wide nodding their heads up and down.

An excerpt:

Singapore math...supporters say it seems to address one of the difficulties in teaching math: all children learn differently. In contrast to the most common math programs in the United States, Singapore math devotes more time to fewer topics, to ensure that children master the material through detailed instruction, questions, problem solving, and visual and hands-on aids like blocks, cards and bar charts. Ideally, they do not move on until they have thoroughly learned a topic. Principals and teachers say that slowing down the learning process gives students a solid math foundation upon which to build increasingly complex skills, and makes it less likely that they will forget and have to be retaught the same thing in later years. And with Singapore math, the pace can accelerate by fourth and fifth grades, putting children as much as a year ahead of students in other math programs as they grasp complex problems more quickly.

Read more about the article here.

While I'm on the subject of math, if you haven't already, bookmark Sal Khan and his youtube academy of 1600 math lessons, each one less than 5 minutes. It's a worldwide free classroom and especially beneficial for homework, tutoring needs.

Looks like you can't just stop on one

2010-09-28T14:02:00.001-07:00

It would only take a minute. I stopped at the local organic grocery to pick up one item. I noticed a young boy about 5 years old with curly brown hair. Glance once, then twice. I gave him a double look because he looked so Dutch in his trousers and colorful shirt. I walked over to the free-standing frigerator drawer that holds fresh fruit ice bars and he and his sister dashed over. He said, "Lily look, it's ice cream." I slid the top open and chose 6 of my favorite flavors. He looked at me and smiled. Then he said, "Looks like you can't just stop at one." People within earshot smiled. He hit it on the nose! I can eat about 4 in a row of the tropical ones with bits of cherry, strawberry, and blueberry. Caught!

I recommend this snack for family meeting night.

Positive Guidelines, #9 - 17

2010-09-23T03:45:00.000-07:00

Image 1: Happy bald eagle with a bow, Natalie, 5 years
Image 2: Sad bald eagle, Natalie, 5 years

Jane Nelsen's Positive Discipline Guidelines, # 9 - 17

9. Teach and model mutual respect. One way is to be kind and firm at the same time--kind to show respect for the child, and firm to show respect for yourself and "the needs of the situation." This is difficult during conflict, so use the next guideline whenever you can.

10. Proper timing will improve effectiveness tenfold. It does not "work" to deal with a problem at the time of conflict--emotions get in the way. Teach children about cooling-off periods. You (or the children) can go to a separate room [or peace table] and do something to make yourself feel better--and then work on the problem with mutual respect.

11. Get rid of the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first you have to make them feel worse. Do you feel like doing better when you feel humiliated? This suggests a whole new look at "time out."

12. Use Positive Time Out. Let your children help you design a pleasant area (cushions, books, music, stuffed animals) that will help them feel better. Remember that children do better when they feel better. Then you can ask your children, when they are upset, "Do you think it would help you to take some positive time out?"

13. Punishment may "work" if all you are interested in is stopping misbehavior for "the moment." Sometimes we must beware of what works when the long range results are negative--resentment, rebellion, revenge, or retreat.

14. Teach children that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn! A great way to teach children that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn is to model this yourself by using the Three Rs of Recovery after you have made a mistake:

(1) Recognize your mistake.
(2) Reconcile: Be willing to say "I'm sorry, I didn't like the way I handled that."
(3) Resolve: Focus on solutions rather than blame.
(#3 is effective only if you do #1 and #2 first.)

15. Focus on solutions instead of consequences. Many parents and teachers try to disguise punishment by calling it a logical consequence. Get children involved in finding solutions that are:

(1) related
(2) respectful
(3) reasonable

16. Make sure the message of love and respect gets through. Start with "I care about you. I am concerned about this situation. Will you work with me on a solution?"

17. Have fun! Bring joy into your home (classroom).

Oops. Eating hot sauce as soup: some parenting experiences feel like this

2010-09-22T07:31:00.001-07:00

Image: Fire hot Datil pepper sauce

Yesterday I had lunch with a dear friend. We chose a new Indian restaurant in town. What a delicious buffet! I noticed that Linda had a small bowl of soup. After a few tablespoons, she started to perspire and said, "This is pretty spicy." Pretty soon, she was blotting her forehead and cheeks, her neckline--dripping with heat. Then we noticed that her soup was really a sauce, a hot pepper sauce! She said that she added a spoonful of chopped hot peppers to her soup. Startled with realization, Linda said, "I thought it was red pepper chutney and I'm eating this sauce like soup!" All of sudden we were in hearty, rolling laughter. I'm laughing as I type this.

Why tell this caught-eating-hot-sauce-like-a-soup story? Sometimes parenting experiences feel like this. Problems unexpectedly rise up and wham, we're "eating hot sauce!" Jane Nelsen has a list of guidelines to help us when we're caught in heated moments.

Nelsen's guidelines are drawn from her book, Positive Discipline. You'll want to buy the book because she gives examples and expounds on them. Positive Discipline and Positive Discipline for Teens are "go-to" books on my bookshelf. Nelsen also teaches parenting courses and maintains a website where you can seek resources and even find a workshop in your area. Another suggestion, Google her name, and find her YouTube videos.

Positive Discipline Guidelines, from the book Positive Discipline, by Jane Nelsen.
The bold words are Nelsen's emphases.
There are 17 of them. Here are the first 8.

1. Misbehaving children are "discouraged children" who have mistaken ideas on how to achieve their primary goal--to belong. Their mistaken ideas lead them to misbehavior. We cannot be effective unless we address the mistaken beliefs rather than just the misbehavior.

2. Use encouragement to help children feel "belonging" so the motivation for misbehaving will be eliminated. Celebrate each step in the direction of improvement rather than focusing on mistakes.

3. A great way to help children feel encouraged is to spend special time "being with them." Many teachers [and parents] have noticed dramatic change in a "problem child" after spending five minutes simply sharing what they both like to do for fun.

4. When tucking children into bed, ask them to share with you their "saddest time" during the day and their "happiest time" during the day. Then you share with them. You will be surprised what you learn.

5. Have family meetings or class meetings to solve problems with cooperation and mutual respect. This is the key to creating a loving, respectful atmosphere while helping children develop self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation, and problem-solving skills.

6. Give children meaningful jobs. In the name of expediency, many parents and teachers do things that children could do for themselves and one another. Children feel belonging when they know they can make a real contribution.

7. Decide together what jobs need to be done. Put them all in a jar and let each child draw out a few each week; that way no one is stuck with the same jobs all the time. Teachers [and parents] can invite children to help them make class [home] rules and list them on a chart titled, "We decided:". Children have ownership, motivation, and enthusiasm when they are included in the decisions.

8. Take time for training. Make sure children understand what "clean the kitchen" means to you. To them it may mean simply putting the dishes in the sink. Parents and teachers may ask, "What is your understanding of what is expected?"

Keep this 52 card deck in your glove compartment

2010-09-21T09:58:00.000-07:00

Photo: Erin finds a toad, @1983-84

I ordered Jane Nelsen's Positive Discipline Cards and they just arrived in the mail. It's a 52 card deck that fits in your purse or glove compartment. Here's an idea. You're waiting in line to pick up the children. In those few minutes, pick a card out of the pack. Think magic and read the tip.

Okay, I'm doing it. I chose, "Show Faith."

"Show faith" means when we show faith in our children they develop courage and faith in themselves.

1. Instead of rescuing, lecturing, or fixing, say, "I have faith in you to handle this."

2. Children develop their problem-solving skills and disappointment muscles through experiences.

3. Validate feelings: "I know you are upset. I would be too. And, I have faith in you."

I like this! I'm choosing another. I chose, "problem solving."

Nelsen writes about "problem solving" - Use daily challenges as opportunities to practice problem solving WITH your children.

1. Brainstorm for solutions during family meetings or with one child.

2. Ask curiosity questions to invite your child to explore solutions.

3. For fights: "You kids can figure it out. Come back with your plan."

4. For chores - Brainstorm what needs to be done and invite your kids to create a plan. Be willing to try their plan for a week.

Nelsen includes a smattering of yellow cards. They are supra cards. Here's one:

Avoid Pampering
Parents pamper children "in the name of love." Considering the long-term effects, pampering is not the most loving thing to do. Pampering creates weakness in children. Fixing and rescuing does not help children learn resiliency, develop their disappointment muscles, and develop teh belief, "I am capable."

Andi asked, "Do you know about Waiting for Superman?"

2010-09-20T14:24:00.000-07:00

High school girlfriend Andi Larsen-Youmans and I just enjoyed a weekend together. We talked so much that on Saturday night when we collapsed on our beds Andi said, "Let's not talk even if we're so compelled to share something." That lasted about 5 minutes.

Andi told me about a new movie, Waiting for Superman. She handed me a flyer and said, "You have to see this." She continued, "The future of our children, our country and world, depends on an honest look at our public schools. This is a must see. Your eyes will pop open."

I agree with Andi. As parents, we establish standards in our homes; it's time to establish standards in our public schools. Standards that lift us up, help us fully become. I want to start with teachers. Did you know that good teachers make life-changing differences in our children's lives? Expect this standard: The teachers at my child's school are the brightest, most talented and dynamic, well-educated in both intellectual and emotional intelligences, love children as humans coming forth into their unlimited capabilities and potential.

Read the book. Learn more about the film.

Welcome Juliet Jeanne

2010-09-17T07:40:00.001-07:00

Our family welcomes Juliet Jeanne! For those not from France or New Orleans, "Jeanne" has a French pronunciation, kind of like "zhahn." Juliet was born yesterday. Juliet's siblings Emma, Tess, Vivian, John Peter, and Liam and their parents Jesse and Amy will bring her home this weekend.

A positive time out that works

2010-09-17T04:43:00.000-07:00

Image: I have a selection of orchids on my peace table

Parents can walk away and take a parent time out so they won’t lose control when their child does. It is helpful to say out loud to your child or teen, "I'm walking away to get calm" or "I'm heading to the peace table to get calm." Problem-solving cannot happen until we express our emotion and regain calm. This may take minutes or hours; sometimes with larger problems it may take 24 to 48 hours to get to the point where we can reason things out and begin to identify solutions.

A few days ago I showed you a peace table for families with young children. My friend Sherry wrote to tell me about a peace table she placed in her home after the passing of her Mom. Sherry writes, "I set up a peace table [remembrance] for my Mom. I put some of her favorite things on it. Family picture, her perfume, jewelry, a book." It's a place Sherry spends time to reflect, remember, and calm.

A peace table for teens or adults looks different than the one I showed you. Here are some of the objects I have on my table for older children and adults: an orchid or plant such a bonsai, an intricate geode showing all it's crystals, herbs such as lavender in a small bowl, a lava lamp or fish bowl for movement, a ball to squeeze, selected objects from the natural world, a framed picture. This is a good place for an upset parent or teen to retreat to regain calm.

If a parent is extremely upset, go to the bathroom and close the door. Then go to the peace table.

Staying calm amidst harsh words and actions

2010-09-16T08:56:00.000-07:00

The harsh words and actions of an angry teenager often push a parent’s hot buttons to a point where all parenting skills go out the window. “Adolescence is a lot like the terrible twos, when children also get volatile, impulsive, unpredictable, and frustrating to deal with,” writes David Walsh, Ph. D. in his book No: Why Kids of All Ages Need to Hear It and Ways to Say It (Free Press, 2007).

Staying calm in these heated moments is a parenting tool to cultivate. When an angry teenager explodes, it’s extremely important that parents don’t lose control too. “A child needs his parents most when he is sad or angry or afraid,” author John Gottman points out in Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child (Fireside, 1997).

Parents of teens can use the anger management tips on Walsh's website to stay calm and deescalate a conflict with an out of control or angry teenager. More ideas and parenting skills are offered on a set of Jane Nelsen's Positive Discipline Parenting Tools: 52 Cards to Improve Your Parenting Skills (Empowering People, 2009), available in a hands-on card deck set or as an iPhone/iTouch application.